MotherStyles Discussion Blog

Homeopathy - What Every Mother Should Know

"Homeo-what?"

When people ask Tami Herndon what she does for a living, that's the typical response she hears. Although homeopathy has been used safely and effectively for over 200 years, in the U.S., Europe, South America and India; it is only now gaining wide-spread awareness in the U.S. 

I first heard of homeopathy about 10 years ago, in a yoga class. A fellow student raved about the effectiveness of Arnica Montana, a popular homeopathic remedy. Her preschool son had gotten a goose-egg on his forehead and after one dose she saw the swelling start to disappear.

In 2005, I decided to visit a homeopath myself. That homeopath was Tami. Since then my symptoms have steadily improved. I've become a believer!

I chose Tami as this month's profile because much of her practice is dedicated to mothers and children. Although this brief introduction may not be enough to convince you about homeopathy, at least you will know a little more about it as a possible health option for your family. 

Tami is the fourth professional profile in an on-going series of people who are doing important work supporting mothers.

Meet Tami Herndon:

Personality type: INFP

Work/Family:  Mother of two sons, 11 and 13; Certified Classical Homeopath and a Registered Member of the North American Society of Homeopaths.  Graduated Northwestern Academy of Homeopathy in Minneapolis; BS in  Finance from Louisiana State University, Baton Rouge; now lives in Little Rock, Arkansas 

Contact Information: www.tamiherndonhomeopathy.com, Phone: 501-868-8875, email: clientmail@sbcglobal.net

Favorite Quote: "One's destination is never a place, but rather a new way of looking at things." -- Henry Miller

Q: What is homeopathy? 

Homeopathy, like all truly natural therapies, seeks to stimulate the innate healing power of the individual so that all systems function at their best.  Homeopathy helps people move toward an optimal level of vitality, and anyone can benefit from it.  Homeopathy does not directly treat a condition by killing germs or removing a symptom.  Instead, it uses minute doses of natural substances to help activate the process by which the person heals him or herself. Homeopathy treats the individual not the disease. It requires extensive listening and consideration of the whole person - physically, mentally, and emotionally. Classical homeopathy is based on principles formulated by Samuel Hahnemann, a German physician, who died in 1842.  

Q: How did you become interested in becoming a homeopath? 

When my son was an infant, he suffered from projectile vomiting. Our pediatrician tried all sorts of treatment but nothing helped. We were referred to a homeopath and in 10 days he was totally fine. At about the same time, his older brother had a severe reaction to his 15-18 month vaccination. His entire torso became covered with painful warts. Once again a simple dose of homeopathic medicine and the warts disappeared.  I thought this is powerful healing; I'd like to help people like this too. Within a year, my husband was transferred to Minneapolis and I was able to attend one of the best homeopathic schools in the country.  

Q: What should every mother know about homeopathy?  

That it's very effective. It's easy to use. It works alongside regular medicines. It takes into account all of the interesting and individualistic characteristics of your very unique child. Our children, and we too, can get stuck in our developmental process and homeopathy can help us get un-stuck. For example, a mother brought her six-year-old boy to see me. He'd been diagnosed with autism and Asperger Syndrome. He spent the whole first session under my desk digging in my carpet; no speech, no eye contact. Four weeks later at his follow-up appointment, he shook my hand and said "Hi, Miss Tami." His mother beamed. Now at eleven years old, he's caught up 100% on social cues and is on level in his main stream school. Another child, a girl with bad asthma, took medicine regularly and ended up in the emergency room 2-3 times a month. Now, four years later, she is a great athlete - swimming and running - with hardly any remaining respiratory symptoms.     

Q: What do you most enjoy about your work?

It gives me a "greater good" feeling. I see clearly that my clients have increased vitality, their need for medicine is reduced, and their quality of life is greatly improved. It's also stimulating intellectually; I like to be an information resource. Plus I enjoy the deep interaction I have with my clients, getting to know their different life stores. Sometimes I think I have the best profession in the world!

Q: How can a mother find a homeopath or learn more about it?

Stores like Whole Foods and Sun Harvest carry many homeopathic remedies for first aid and acute home care. Boiron, a well-distributed brand, often has a display of  little blue vials - each about the size of a lipstick. For example, you can use Apis for a bee sting, Hypericum for fingers slammed in a door, and Chamomilla for a teething baby who is inconsolable. To learn more, a good resource is Homeopathy for Children by Murray Feldman and Gabrielle Pinto.

For chronic situations, like asthma, arthritis, insomnia, or hormone imbalances, you need to find a good homeopath. It's best to use someone locally so you can meet face-to-face, especially for the first session. However, many homeopaths also use telephone and email to consult with clients. Ask your friends or other natural health care providers for referrals. Two other good resources are The Council of Homeopathic Certification or The National Center for Homeopathy. They both provide search engines to help you find a professional homeopath in your state. Styles of practice vary, so be sure to ask practitioners if they specialize in chronic or acute cases.  If they hold another medical certification, confirm that at least 80% of their practice is classical homeopathy.

To contact Tami directly, email her at clientmail@sbcglobal.net

To read past newsletters go to the MotherStyles Discussion Blog archives.

I welcome your thoughts and comments. 

Thanks,   Janet Penley

School's Almost Out! How to Prepare for Summer

No more homework, no more books -- the kids are happy, but are you ready?

Almost everyone enjoys a break from the school-year grind. But if you are an Introverted (I) type or Judging (J) type mom, the next three months may be more challenging for you than the nine-month school year.

Having children under foot all day makes it harder for an Introverted mom to find the personal space and quiet she needs to function at her best. Similarly, the lazy, unstructured days of summer may tax a Judging mom's flexibility to its limit.

What's a mom to do?

With a little forethought, you can make this summer vacation happier for everyone.

I moms: Make sure you have 30-60 minutes of uninterrupted solitude each day. With the kids' new summer schedule, you'll probably have to change your time-alone schedule as well. Think about starting the day with a sunrise walk or each afternoon, implement an all-family siesta.

J moms: Give you and your family some transition time to switch gears from school year to summer. Then after a week or so, put into a place a new structure. Keep it loose; only a few key rules. Just enough to give you and your family a sense of order. Not so much that you feel restricted.  For example:

1. No TV until after 4 p.m.
2. Do chores before going out to play in the morning.
3. Siesta time from 3-4 p.m.
4. Sunday is family outing day.

In addition, here are three helpful articles from my archives that you may have missed. 

Summertime ... And the Livin's Not Always Easy for Moms

Why Your Family's Dream Vacation May Not Be Fun For You

Personality-Based Vacation Strategies

Happy Summer to You All!

Janet Penley

How to Bridge Differences with Your Child or Spouse

How well are you able to apply personality type information in your day-to-day family relationships? Many of us read a book or take a workshop to get an overview of personality differences but then don't know how best to use it. If this sounds familiar to you, then you may want to connect with Julie Brunner.

Julie Brunner, MS Licensed Professional Counselor, has made a career of helping women develop personality-based strategies to bridge differences in parent-child and couple relationships.  Although her home base is in rural Minnesota, she offers one-on-one sessions via telephone, so she can help mothers who live anywhere. 

Julie is the third professional profile in an on-going series. As long as there is interest, it will continue. My objective is two fold: to recognize people who are doing important work supporting mothers and to inspire other professionals to do the same. 

If you are doing programs for parents in your local area, and would consider being interviewed, please contact me at jpmoms@aol.com.

Meet Julie Brunner:

          Personality type: INFJ

Work/Family:  Mother of two - a son, 11 and a daughter, 9, Graduate degree, University of Wisconsin -Madison, Licensed Professional Counselor, Personal coach, Qualified MBTI administrator, lives outside Minneapolis, Minnesota. 

Contact Information: Telephone 507-434-2823, email juliebrunnerlpc@msn.com, website under construction.

Favorite Quote: "In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." -- Albert Einstein

Q: What got you started using personality type in parenting? 

In graduate school, I took the MBTI and put my results into a folder not expecting to use it again.  When my son was born, someone handed me your book. I thought, "Wow, this makes it practical!" As I read it, I had many "Aha's." It also decreased my guilt as a mother. I thought, "Everyone should know about this!" A lot of people take the MBTI but don't know how to apply it to their marriage or their parenting.  The MBTI is a fundamental piece of everything I do. Awareness of our personality allows us to make choices in life and relationships instead of just reacting.

Q: How has your work with mothers evolved over the past ten years? 

I had a desire to help people learn about their personality before they were in crisis. So I started out leading women's workshops. Now I do more individual consulting. Or I offer a general workshop and then do one-on-one sessions afterward to help women come up with individual strategies to get along better in their life and relationships. Also the focus of my workshops changed. I started out leading groups called: "Intentional Parenting" or "Understand Your Personality in Parenting." Now I do "Women in Transition" and "Wisdom of Women" groups.  I like to help women who are in leadership roles or adapting to big life changes -- a new baby, becoming an empty-nester, moving, a loss of a spouse, a major illness. There are concrete things people can do at different stages of transition to help themselves instead of feeling lost in a fog.   

Q: How can a woman help herself through a major transition? 

I like a book called Transitions. It's author, William Bridges, identifies three stages for every transition: 1. Endings, 2. An undefined Neutral Zone, and 3. New Beginnings.  We often don't honor the endings. For example, having your first baby can be an exciting new beginning. But it also signals an ending - the loss of the freedom you once enjoyed as a couple. I help women to acknowledge that ending by creating a personal ending ritual. It's like doing a closet audit. You write down what is ending, what no longer fits, and clear out the clutter - whether it be relationships or beliefs.  Women also need to allow themselves enough time in the Neutral Zone before they move forward. I help them reflect and take care of themselves during that time. As for new beginnings, sometimes we just need encouragement to take that next step. 

Q: How do you develop personality type strategies for each woman?

I break down their personality type into the four letters and identify what struggles they might have.  E -I is about energy for your life. As an Introverted type, I need a power nap or some alone time to maintain my energy throughout the day. My kids learned that this was really important for me. When I'm acting cranky, they will suggest that I take a little time out. It's a bit of a joke, but they're right. I didn't quite recognize it yet, but they did.  S-N is about your personal philosophy, the way you view life. As an Intuitive type, I'm big picture and can easily get overwhelmed by the details. I'm always telling myself and my children, "Let's take it step-by-step." T-F is about how to show caring and concern. T types are amazed that F types blend truthful feedback with their worth as a person. After a woman understands her own personality, I compare her type to her child's or spouse's, and look for similarities and differences. Without giving it thought, we usually give others what we would want for ourselves, instead of what the other person truly needs.

Q: What do you most enjoy about your work?

The biggest reward is watching the transformation that happens. Women go from surviving to thriving. I love when a woman begins to accept her challenges and struggles as an opportunity for growth. That's when I know she's making progress. They come in thinking "If I could just fix that person, my life will be good" and they leave with self-understanding and new strategies to get along better. I ask women, "What are you role modeling for your children?" Often they are willing to make changes for their child's sake that they couldn't make for themselves. The women I work with are interesting, exciting, and caring.

To contact Julie directly, email her at juliebrunnerlpc@msn.com.

I welcome your thoughts and comments on the professional profile series. 

Thanks,  

Janet Penley

What is Obama's Personality Type?

Several of you have been writing me to ask what is Obama's personality type.

First off, it's difficult to guess the types of public figures. Mainly because we only get to see what they want us to see, and Obama has not officially disclosed his type.

However, that hasn't stopped many of us in the type community from making a guess.  Read my article below to find out if Obama is who you think he is -- your kindred spirit or a very different type from you. I also make a guess about Michelle's type. You can make your own guesses by posting a comment below.   

Let me also wish you a Happy Valentine's Day!  It's a great day to do something special for yourself.   

Janet Penley

Are Obama's preferences INFP?

I belong to a large professional group of MBTI users called The Association of Psychological Type. This fall we were polled as to what type we thought Obama was. The two most frequent guesses were ENFP or INFP. Personally, I think Obama is an INFP, and here's why.

About eight years ago, I had the opportunity to spend an evening with Obama at my neighbor's house. We were living in Chicago then, and my across-the-street neighbors were politically active in the local Democratic scene. They'd met Obama, and although we were out of his district and couldn't vote for him, they wanted to support him by introducing him to others.  They invited a few of the neighbors over for a small, informal, get-together, and lucky for me I decided to go. 

Right at the beginning, I felt sure that I was talking to a kindred spirit, a fellow I-N-F type.  In fact, at first I thought he was my type, INFJ. I was impressed with his vision, his idealism, his values, his intelligence, his sincerity, his ability to communicate, and his ability to connect with each of us. He talked about his book, the local political race he had just lost, and his desire to have everyone share in our country's prosperity. He showed an interest in my MotherStyles work and asked me to send him some information because he thought his wife would be interested.

Extraversion or Introversion? Obama spends so much time in the spotlight, it's easy to think he is Extraverted. As an Introvert myself, there is no way I could have survived two years of campaigning and people-interaction. But Obama would not be the first Introvert to override his natural preferences to achieve his larger goals. In magazine articles, I've noticed phrases about him like: "he likes time to think things through before speaking or acting"  and "sometimes he appears distracted or bored with people." On the campaign trail, compared to McCain, generally pegged as an ESTP, he tended to give complicated answers, another attribute of IN types.  In addition, we've all noticed his ability to put on a calm exterior, play things close to his vest, and not fly off the handle. All these qualities are more typical of Introverted types than Extraverted types. To sum up, here's a quote attributed to Obama, "The most important thing you need ... is to have big chunks of time during the day when all you're doing is thinking."

Thinking or Feeling? An ENTJ friend guessed that Obama was an INTP. She'd heard from people that had met him that he appeared "cold", leading her to think he was an Introverted Thinker. Also, people were inclined to call him "professorial"--quite INTP.  However, the man I met before he hit the spotlight was warm and deeply rooted in his core values. In fact, his whole campaign was grounded in inspiration, values, hope -- all generally associated with the NF temperament. Perhaps he's become more emotionally withdrawn as a way to cope with constant Extraverting. 

Our First INFP leader? Although it's impossible to say if Obama is our first INFP president, it's safe to say we haven't experienced an INFP leader or perhaps even an Introverted leader in a long time. One blog summed it up this way: "We are trading in a white, right-handed ESTJ for a black, left-handed INFP. It should be interesting!"

I think Carl Jung, the founder of psychological type, would say that America is beginning to integrate its shadow. By that I mean, Extraversion-Sensing-Thinking-Judging have traditionally been over-valued in our culture, and the opposite functions, Introversion-Intuition-Feeling-Perceiving have been under-valued. This creates a lack of balance. Obama's election may come from our country's innate desire for greater wholeness. A need to incorporate the missing pieces of our collective consciousness. It isn't just Obama's race that makes him a minority, it is also his personality type.    

Is Michelle an E-J type?

Chicago magazine just ran an in-depth article on Michelle. After reading it, I'm pretty sure she prefers Extraversion and Judging. One interviewee said, "She's very present with people. As busy as she is, when she's talking to them, she's with them." I found that to be true when I sat a few tables from the Obama's at a restaurant, before they entered the public eye. Not to disturb their dinner, I simply smiled and gave Michelle a thumbs up sign. When she realized I was looking at her, her face lit up, and she started smiling and waving. I also read that to relax and recharge she spends  Saturdays going out to lunch and a movie with a group of her friends and their various kids -- which says to me, a preference for Extraversion.

As far as Judging, we hear a lot about her need for order and how Obama hasn't always lived up to her expectations on the home front. I read that she'd make a list of chores for him to do at home while he was an Illinois senator, and insisted on shared childcare responsibilities.

Although we'll just have to wait and see what her other letters turn out to be, I'm guessing ENFJ or ENTJ. Intuition (N) because she has excelled in higher education despite socioeconomic obstacles. Feeling (F) because she is very family oriented. Thinking (T) because she's a career woman and she says her priorities as first lady will be fair pay for women and work/family issues. She could also be an S (Sensing) type because she's portrayed as more practical and down-to-earth than Obama. She once said that her main role is helping Obama realize he is not a perfect man.  From now on, of course, the media and public will help her out with that.  

What do you think? Post your thoughts and comments below.

What is a Parent Coach? Do You Need One?

Do you have a strong willed child? Could you use some support dealing with temper tantrums and power struggles? Do you feel guilty because you can't be all things to all people? Then let me introduce you to Karen Bierdeman.

Karen Bierdeman is a parent coach --a profession that didn't exist when I started working with mothers 20 years ago. I first heard the term used in the late 1990's, but it was only after interviewing Karen recently that I began to understand what parent coaching is all about.

Karen is the author of www.TheGuiltFreeMom.com, a 2005 graduate of the Parent Coaching Institute, and an avid user of MotherStyles in her work. She lives in the Seattle, Washington area and coaches mothers all over the country, via telephone and webinars.

Karen is the second professional profile in an on-going series. As long as there is interest, it will continue. My objective is two fold: to recognize people who are doing important work supporting mothers and to inspire other professionals to do the same. 

If you are doing programs for parents in your local area, and would consider being interviewed, please contact me at jpmoms@aol.com.

Meet Karen Bierdeman:

      Personality type: INFP

Work/Family:  Mother of 6 and 10 year-old girls, former first grade teacher and child-development expert, parent coach since 2005, author of www.theguiltfreemom.com. 

Her Motto: "Bringing out the best in moms and their kids."

Click here to Hear her Podcast on MotherStyles.

Q: What is parent coaching?

Parent coaching is parent-to-parent support. But unlike the support you may get from friends, I have no vested interest in what you actually do. There is so much information out there for parents, most of it conflicting, it is hard to wade through. I help a mother identify her strengths, come up with a vision of what she wants her family to be like, and then customize a plan to help her get there.  Parent coaching grew out of the executive and life coaching movement. If business executives get coaches to help them be their best, and parents are the executives of their families, then parents need coaching, too. I focus on strengths and goals, instead of deficits. Parent coaching is about moving forward in your life, not getting into the past.

Q: What made you become a parent coach?

I struggled as a new mom. I thought because I had a degree in child development and experience as a teacher, I'd be a great mom. But my child wouldn't breast feed, my mom was dying of cancer, I didn't know how to refuel or support myself. It was hard. I managed to pull myself out of a hole and decided I wanted to offer to others the kind of support I would have wanted back then --support in being who you are.  The joy of parent coaching is connecting with other moms and hearing them say, "I didn't know I could enjoy mothering so much" or "I finally feel confident." I get excited when I see people grow and change.

Q: Where do you get your clients? 

About half of my clients come from my website and blog, half come through word-of-mouth. I was on a local TV news show in May; that generated a lot of calls. Clients tell me: "My kid is driving me crazy!" "My mother-in-law says I'm raising a brat!" "I'm having power struggles with my picky eater." People are reticent at first, because as mothers we think we shouldn't ask for help or make our development a priority.  So, I offer a complimentary first session so people can get a taste and hear the sound of my voice. I do 99% of my coaching over the phone. I coach women all over the country - Maine, New York, Montana, Arizona.

Q: How much does it cost?

I offer an array of services at different prices, from teleclasses and groups to 1:1 coaching. Without knowing the details of a mother's particular story, it's difficult to say which service would be best for them. In the complimentary first coaching session, I go into detail about what I offer, how I can help, and how much it will cost. Together we come up with a budget and a plan for how best to work together.  One-on-one coaching is usually done on a monthly basis and that includes four hours of personalized coaching over the phone and unlimited email coaching in between. Some clients opt for a longer term commitment so I offer a price break for 12 sessions. I also offer a 100% Happiness Guarantee.

Q: How do you use MotherStyles?

I use it as a reference with every client. Together we tease out their preferences and identify their style. An ESTJ mom is going to handle a strong willed child differently than an INFP. Yet, either way, it is so healing to be validated. For years I thought I was an Extravert and tried to act like one. Personality type has helped me realize I do best with a small circle of friends who like to ponder the same life questions I ask in coaching.

To learn more or to contact Karen directly, go to www.theguiltfreemother.com. 

I welcome your thoughts and comments on the professional profile series. 

Janet Penley

Professional Profile: Yvonne Lefort, Rediscovering Yourself in the Midst of Motherhood

For the past seven years, Yvonne Lefort has led a program called "Rediscovering Yourself in the Midst of Motherhood" in the Northern California Bay Area. She has been quoted in Newsweek magazine, interviewed on local television and speaks regularly at mothers' clubs and schools.  I interviewed her recently to find out why she got started and how she incorporates the MotherStyles information into her workshops. 

Yvonne is the first professional profile in an on-going series. As long as there is interest, it will continue. My objective is two fold: to recognize people who are doing important work supporting mothers and to inspire other professionals to do the same. 

If you are doing programs for parents in your local area, and would consider being interviewed, please contact me at jpmoms@aol.com.

Meet Yvonne Lefort:

Personality type: ISTJ

Work/Family:  Mother of a 10 year-old boy, career counselor and MBTI professional in the San Francisco Bay Area.

Her Favorite Quote: "Don't ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go out and do that. Because what the world needs more than anything is people who have come alive."
- Harold Whitman

Q: What made you start doing programs for mothers?

I started when my son was three. I'd been a stay-at-home mom, happy going to playgroups and Mommy & Me classes, but after awhile I started craving more intellectual stimulation. I would get together with another professional mother and talk about the trials of being a mom. I realized other moms might feel the same way. So I decided to blend my background as a career counselor with my experience of being a mom.  

Q: Tell me how "Rediscovering Yourself in the Midst of Motherhood" got started.

I developed a six week program using my basic career counselor tools and tweaked them for the needs of mothers. The goal was to get back in touch with ourselves as individuals, not just mothers. For example, in career counseling we clarify work values, so in this program I helped mothers clarify their life values. We talked about self-nurturing, skill evaluations, personality type, mothering style. I gave homework assignments to foster their self-awareness, including reading and reacting to passages in your book.

The first group was 5 women and we met at a local baby store. The women enjoyed getting to know each other on a deeper level. Most mothers put up a front that everything is hunky dory. No one talks about how hard it is. I gave them some concrete way to move forward in their lives. At the end, the women were so energized they wanted the group to continue.

I have offered the program twice a year for the last seven years. The rewards are great. I know my work has helped moms take better care of themselves, feel less isolated, connect with other mothers, and feel happier.

Q: How do you promote your programs?

When I started out, I publicized through the baby store's newsletter and posted fliers at the community center, parks, nursery schools, book stores, anywhere mothers gathered. Now I do most of my publicity through email. I've developed an extensive email list of contacts at mothers clubs, preschools, twin groups, other professionals doing work with mothers, and all past participants. I send them the information and ask them to forward it to their own network of friends and contacts. I attach a flier and ask them to post it on a community bulletin board. I am part of a Yahoo email list serve for moms groups in our county and post announcements on the Berkeley Parents Network that reaches thousands of mothers. I speak at various parent groups and write articles for local newspapers. They don't generate many queries but they help build my credibility.

Q: What advice can you give other professionals who may want to lead parent programs?

Find a niche and fill it. Ask moms what they need and then develop programs to meet those needs. Right now there is a lot of interest in balancing work/life/family.  Mirror your own needs. For example, in the early years of motherhood I was dealing with the issues I addressed in "Rediscovering Yourself in the Midst of Motherhood."  When I decided to teach part-time at a local college, I started a new program called "Crayons to Careers" -- to help mothers re-enter the work force. Mothers like short programs. I get a better turn-out if I do a one-day program like "Introduction to Crayons to Careers" and then segue way into a nine-week program.

Q: How has personality type helped your mothering?

I'm an Introvert and my son is a big Extravert. Even though he can sit and read for hours, most of the time he is a chatter box and talks constantly. Sometimes when we're driving in the car, I can't take it anymore. Personality type has helped me realize it isn't about blaming him, it's about me taking care of my needs. Rather than say, "You talk too much," I say, "Mommy is running out of listening energy." I can better accept that he's who he is and I am who I am.

To learn more or to contact Yvonne directly, go to www.mothersinbalance.com.

Are you an MBTI professional or parent group leader? Be sure you are registered for the sub-interest group Leaders Circle as well as MomsCircle. Scroll down to the bottom and click on the link "Update my Profile".  When the new screen appears, make sure both boxes are checked.

I welcome your thoughts and comments on the professional profile series.

Thanks,

Janet Penley

PS Have you already downloaded the Personal Energy Plan for your type? If you are a MBTI professional or parent group leader, you have my permission to download all sixteen and use them as handouts in your workshops and individual consultations.

Discover Your Fitness Personality

Why do so many people start exercise programs but then end up quitting them?

In part, it's because the programs don't suit their personality types. With exercise, as with so many other things, it's different strokes for different folks.

For many years, Suzanne Brue has been using the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (r) to understand different fitness styles. She has just released a new book - The 8 Colors of Fitness - Discover Your Color-Coded Fitness Personality and Create an Exercise Program You'll Never Quit!

Exercise is a great way to increase your energy. Because mothers do their best mothering when they are energized, I thought this topic would be particularly relevant to you.

Some of her findings are surprising. For example, it's not true that Extraverts prefer to exercise with people and Introverts prefer to exercise alone. Many Extraverted types feel pressure to be social in the company of others, which can be distracting when they need to concentrate on exercise routines. Similarly, Introverts enjoy exercising alongside others when those people are involved in similar pursuits.

You can take her simple four-minute quiz to discover your color-coded exercise personality (based on the MBTI). It's free. Find out if you are a True Blue, a Quick Silver or a Saffron Seeker. Once you know your color, you can read a summary of what programs and environments would fit you best. Kayacking, dance, yoga or bike-riding? A weekly class or an outside hike?  A see-and-be-seen gym or a treadmill in your bedroom?

For example, as an INFJ, I'm a White. Suzanne says: "Whites require orderly environments for exercise, which provide the necessary calm for them to relax and receive the mental benefits of exercise as well as the physical. Once they've made their plan to include regular physical activity in their routine, it becomes a cherished part of their life. It doesn't slip out easily, but when their routine is disrupted by travel, moving to another city or other such changes, it's challenged."

That description really resonates with me.

Summer is coming. Now might be a good time to discover a way to stay fit that fits you.

To Your Fitness Success!

Janet Penley

Ten Things Every Mother-in-Law Should Know

Guess what? Many of you adore your mother-in-law. The rest of you - not so much.

Regardless, the topic of mothers-in-law turned out to be a hot button. I received more responses on this topic than any other. In fact, you sent me over 30 pages of thoughts and advice.  Most of it very helpful to a new mother-in-law like me. I thank each and every person for taking the time to respond. Once again, I marvel at the collective wisdom we have to share.

Unfortunately, space doesn't permit me to pass on every tidbit. Instead, I've boiled down the information to 10 Things Every Mother-in-law Should Know. If you'd like to read the actual personal stories and comments women sent to me, you can do it by reading the Comment section below. I edited each response for length and changed the names before posting.

You'll see that at times I use MIL to abbreviate mother-in-law and DIL to abbreviate daughter-in-law.

Top Ten Things Every Mother-in-Law Should Know

1. Keep negative judgments and opinions to yourself. When I asked older women for advice on being a mother-in-law what I heard most often was: "Zip your lip" "Bite your tongue" "Shut up and breathe" "Never offer your opinion or advice unless asked." This is particularly important as it pertains to childrearing. An ENTJ says, "My MIL is not judgmental about my approach to mothering or general life decisions, and I love that about her." And an INFP puts it so colorfully, "I don't need your stinkin' opinion about every little thing - especially not my children's bowel movements, not even the weather. And don't tell me what to do. Don't even make subtle suggestions. Because what YOU think is subtle is like an earthquake to me. Just keep it to yourself and keep on doing that."
2. Think of your daughter-in-law as your own child. This removes a sense of otherness, or being on opposite sides. It also helps cultivate acceptance and unconditional love. As one reader advises, "The ideal MIL will accept her new DIL with joy and curiosity, just like she accepted the children she brought into the world herself." But don't try to replace her own mother or insist that she call you Mom. As one INTJ wrote, "Calling my MIL Mom feels infantilizing to me and impedes our adult-adult relationship."  Nor should you assume the same liberties as you would with your own daughter. This is a new relationship that will take years to evolve. Many women say that it took 18, 25 or even 30 years to develop a genuine and close relationship with their mothers-in-law.
3. Speak to her directly. Ask "How can I be supportive of you, how do I add to your life and not detract from it?" From an INTJ, "My advice for a new MIL would be to be honest in your expectations. Ask her if she would like to learn about any important traditions in your family. As her what you could do to help her the most. Don't be afraid to speak to her directly." From an ISTJ, "When you don't understand something your daughter-in-law has said or done, ask her about it, but DO IT GENTLY, showing no negative overtones." From another ISTJ, "The turning point in my relationship with my MIL was when she emailed me directly to make plans for a visit instead of communicating through her son."
4. Get to know your daughter-in-law as a person and show approval for who she is. From an INTJ, "I really do have some redeeming qualities. I wish that you'd try to get to know me as me, instead of in my role as wife/appendage to your son." From Linda, "Try to see or understand what it is about her that your son loves so much." From an INFP, "I think my MIL criticisms would be much easier to take if I felt like she genuinely cared about me."
5. Help out - especially with babysitting. I heard this over and over: From an INFP, "My MIL is great with the kids. She happily watches them one night a week so we can have a date night or I can have some alone time." From Sue, "When I was a worn out new mom, my MIL would help with everything - diapers, baths, and hair for my three children."  From an INTJ, "My kids love a sleep over at Grandma's and Grandpa's; my MIL is wonderful about babysitting so we can go out."
6. Don't visit without an invitation or pressure them to visit you.  From an ISTJ, "I love my MIL because she has no expectations of how often we should get together. She wants us to live our own lives and only get together when it's convenient for us." From a MIL, "I told each couple before they got married that I would never insist that they come to my house for any specific holiday and I would NOT be offended. My sons-in-law thanked me for that because it took a huge load off them." From a DIL, "We are aware of exactly how long it has been since we last talked or visited my MIL. We do not need reminders."
7. Be aware of different caring styles. An INTJ says, "I expected my MIL to be like my mother, cheering me on in whatever endeavor I chose. Not so. I have come to understand that my MIL shows her love in other ways - she hugs a lot and gives great gifts."
8. Be sensitive to your DIL's relationship with her own mother. From an ENTJ, "I recently realized that a lot of my complaints about my MIL were really complaints I had about my own mother. My view of her was clouded by issues I had with my own mom."  From an ENFJ family system counselor, "My ENFP daughter-in-law is close to her own mother. She is not looking to me for mothering. She goes to her own mother for advice."
9. Respect their relationship and let them live their own lives. From an ENFP, "I have the best MIL. She shares her wonderful insights and stays out of the day-to-day." From an ENFJ, "My challenge as a MIL is to back off and bask in the joys of another generation coming along and living their lives. Were we really so perfect at their age?" From an ISTJ, "My MIL gives me my space but is available to help out when I ask." From Cathy, "When I ask my MIL for advice on what to do, she says that something to be discussed with my husband. My best advice is let your kids and kids-in-law know you are there for them in every way without really being all over their lives."  From an INFP, "what I appreciate about my MIL is that she accepts her son is an adult."
10. Use the MIL-DIL relationship as an opportunity for growth. One woman writes, "I would be much more willing to learn from my MIL if she would let me teach her something once in a while." From an INTJ, "I have heard that men marry women who resemble their mothers, so when I notice something that I don't like about my MIL, I use her as a mirror to find and work on my own faults." From an ENTJ, "My MIL is an ISFP, my personality opposite. But instead of looking at her as my nemesis, (which is easy to do with MILs) I try to reframe our relationship into a mutual learning partnership. I teach her to be more assertive and she teaches me to be more patient."

      You'll find additional gems of wisdom in the individual responses women wrote. You can read them in the Comment section below. I think you'll relate to many of their stories and feelings.

Thank you for all the good advice!
Janet Penley

Mother-in-Law Do's and Don'ts

Something momentous happened in my life recently. A month ago, my first born and only son got married. As a result, and just as significant, I became a mother-in-law.

After raising my two kids into young adulthood, I have long thought of myself as a veteran mom. Now I've stepped into a whole new phase of mothering and feel like a rank beginner. That's why I need your help.

In America, we carry a negative stereotype of mother-in-laws. They (oops, I mean we!) are typically considered meddling and intrusive, as well as critical and complaining. I don't want to inadvertently fall into that trap.

Type knowledge helps. Being an FJ type (Feeling - Judging), I already know that giving my children the physical and psychological space they need to stand on their own two feet is not something that comes naturally to me. My type of mother wants to stay involved and feel connected. Knowing my type helps me to be more intentional about backing off.

However, I'm interested in what advice you younger daughters-in-laws would give to a mother-in-law just starting out.

What do you most appreciate about your own mother-in-law? What most bothers you? What do you wish she'd do more of? Less of? How would you describe the ideal mother-in-law? Now is your chance to draw from your own experience and help me develop a list of Mother-in-Law Do's and Don'ts.

Send your tips and stories to me at JPMoms@aol.com, preferably by May 1st. I will compile a summary (no real names will be used to protect your privacy) and send them to everyone in a future email. Also, if you know your type, please include it. I have a feeling different types have different needs and are irked by different issues.

Likewise, if there are any experienced mother-in-laws out there, I'm interested in what you have to say, too. Send me your thoughts at JPMoms@aol.com and I'll be sure to add them in.

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I appreciate it.

Janet Penley

PS In the meantime, read below an excerpt from MotherStyles entitled, "When Your Mother-in-Law is Not Your Type."

When Your Mother-In-Law Isn’t Your Type

Katie, an ESTJ, explains how she used type knowledge to improve her relationship with her mother-in-law, an ENFP:

I consider my mother-in-law goofy; she thinks I’m rigid. For example, she invites us over for Sunday dinner. I tell her ahead of time the baby goes to bed at 8 p.m. To me that means the dinner needs to be served no later than 6 to give us time to eat and get back home on time. But at 7, we’re still waiting for the food.  I think, How inconsiderate! If I complain, she and my husband (also an ENFP) roll their eyes at me and ask, ‘Can’t the baby go to bed a little later just for tonight?’ But why should the baby be inconvenienced because of her poor planning?

She offered to baby-sit the children a few hours a week. I told her I’d like it if she came every Tuesday morning at 9:30 a.m. But at 9:45, I’d be looking at my clock wondering where she was. By the time she came, I’d be so angry, I couldn't enjoy my time away. So I told her not to come anymore. That probably hurt her feelings. Then she started calling me at unexpected times to say her next two hours were free, should she come over and give me a break? I’d be in the middle of something and couldn't just up and leave. Unless I can plan for it, babysitting is no help at all.

Then I learned about personality type and mothering style. Immediately, I understood she meant well, but our differences were getting in the way of our relationship. I asked her to read both her profile (she’s a pastor and already knew her type from work), and mine; then we discussed our different styles. I stopped expecting her to be like me and vice versa.

Now if something comes up and I need help at the last minute, I know to call her. When I had to take my older child for stitches, she came right away to watch the baby. She now knows how important my rules are to me and makes a point of following them with the children--no candy before dinner and only an hour of TV.  I really appreciate it. When we go to her house for dinner, we take two cars. That way, if dinner ends up being too late, I can politely leave with the baby and ask my husband to bring home the leftovers. We've also rescheduled our Sunday family dinners to Friday. It’s easier for me to be flexible with the children’s bedtimes knowing they don’t have to get off to school the next morning.”

MotherStyles Goes International

Two psychologists from Hong Kong have reviewed MotherStyles on Metapsychology Online Reviews. MotherStyles is to be published in both Chinese and Korean.

Upcoming Programs in Chicago, Alabama & California

I'd like to personally invite you to attend one of my upcoming programs. Listed below are three opportunities. If you can attend, be sure to introduce yourself. I'd love to meet you in person.

Do you live in California? I am coming to the Bay area in May and may be able to add a speaking engagement or two to my trip. If you belong to a mothers' group or parenting organization  in  Northern (or even Southern California) that may be interested in sponsoring a MotherStyles' program, please let me know.

Upcoming Programs

You can find this information on my website, too.

Chicago Area - February 4, 7-8:30 p.m.
Winnetka Community Nursery School
Parenting From Your Strengths & Appreciating Your Child's Personality
Crow Island School Auditorium
Questions? Call Cathy Sharifi, 441-9241 

Birmingham, Alabama - February 15, 9:00AM - 3:00PM
Alabama Association of Psychological Type Winter Workshop
Families Interacting:
How Personality Type Can Increase Your Parenting (and Grandparenting) "IQ"
Bruno Conference Center, St. Vincent's Hospital,
Questions? Call Angela Stowe 205-934-4205 amstowe@uab.edu

California Bay Area - May 10, 9:00AM-12:15PM
San Francisco Bay Area Chapter of the Association for Psychological Type
Families Interacting:
How Personality Type Can Increase Your Parenting (and Grandparenting) "IQ"
Hilton Garden Inn, San Mateo 
Questions? Contact CAROLYN JANSON at carolynjan@earthlink.net or www.baapt.org

MotherStyles Featured in Pregnancy Magazine
Check out page 74 in the March issue of Pregnancy magazine. Linda Childers wrote an article, "Pondering Parenthood." In it, she features MotherStyles and my on-line mothering style quiz.

Hope to see you! Janet Penley