In the most recent Bulletin for Psychological Type, several type professionals wrote about personality type and Emotional Intelligence. Elizabeth Murphy, author of The Developing Child, hypothesized that Thinking and Feeling managers both give positive feedback to their employees, but do it for different reasons. She says Thinking types do it because they consider it an effective human relations strategy. Feeling types do it as a reflection of what they would need in the same situation.
I wondered if those differences would also be true for Thinking and Feeling mothering styles. To find out, I posted a short poll on the right column of my blog. Now, a month later, I am reporting on the results. Thanks to everyone who took the time to cast their votes. It seems that indeed Thinking and Feeling mothers to praise their children for different reasons:
- Most Thinking mothers (87%) say they praise their child because it is an effective parenting strategy.
- Most Feeling mothers (63%) say they praise their child because as a child they liked to be praised.
- Feeling mothers gave a more mixed response than Thinking mothers. More than a third of Feeling mothers (37%) say they use praise primarily because it is effective. Yet, only 13% of Thinking mothers praise their child because they themselves like praise.
The results are based on a sample of 65. Of that, two thirds were Feeling moms and one third were Thinking moms.
More Food for Thought
In case you missed it, here are comments from two parent coaches. (I’ve edited them slightly for length.) The first is from Karen, INFP and the second is from Kelly Jo, INTP. Their types are the same except for a difference on Feeling and Thinking. Both of these mothers place importance on encouragement and want to avoid their children turning into “praise junkies.” However, the Feeling mom likes to praise and the Thinking mom doesn’t believe in it. The Feeling mom loves to say “You were awesome just then!” and the Thinking mom says things like, “You can do it.”
Karen, INFP: As an INFP, I do like to praise because I like to focus on the positive with my children. I also know it feels good! That said, as a parenting coach, I also believe that encouragement and praise are distinctly different, and that encouragement helps kids to focus less on pleasing us and more on empowering them. I don't want my children to become "praise junkies" and dependent on me for approval--and yet the Feeling mom in me loves to throw out a "You were AWESOME just then!" because it just seems like the right thing to do at the time!
Kelly Jo, INTP: I personally do not believe in praise. I see praise as a positive judgment on the child's behavior just as much as criticism is a negative judgment on their behavior.
That doesn't mean I don't encourage and mirror to them their behaviors to help them grow. But this is done without judgment so they can learn what lies within them for their own journey in life.
I paid attention and "watched" myself all day and I tend
to say things like:
"You can do it."
"You did it."
"I see that."
"You seem very proud..."
"Thank you"
What is your biggest taboo in mothering?
Before you leave, please take a moment to cast your vote in my current poll. You’ll find it on the upper right side of this blog in a blue box. When I first began working with mothers in 1988, I thought H-E-L-P was the ultimate four-letter word. Times have changed since then, and I wonder if the biggest mothering taboo has changed too. Would you please help me find out? I’ll post the results in my next blog and also reveal which is my own personal taboo.
Thanks, Janet Penley
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