Help! My Extraverted Child Wears Me Out!

Q. Dear Janet -- Our 3 yr old is so energetic and social. Both my husband and I are far more reserved. My son’s intensity just drains us  - so much motion, chatter, singing, etc. we have a hard time not yelling at him at night to "just stop!"  Stop physically moving, stop singing, stop asking so many questions, stop and let me do a chore by myself, etc. I am exhausted trying to meet his needs for interaction and my need for time alone. Can you help? – M.

A. Dear M -- Thanks for your question. First off, please know that you are not the only mother to express this type of frustration over an active, talkative little one. I am an Introverted type and when my Extraverted son was your son's age, I felt just like you. It is draining for an Introverted mother to interact constantly with a very Extraverted child. Many Introverted mothers say their Extraverted child is draining the life out of them.

Extraverted types turn outward to the world around them for energy. Introverts turn inward to recharge. In the early years, for the most part, you are your child’s world. So he is constantly engaging you for stimulation. However, with each interaction, you lose energy. It’s easy to understand your frustration and see how it might even turn into resentment unless you find a solution.

However, please keep in mind your child has no idea he is pushing you beyond your limits. Only you know that. Therefore you must take action to keep your relationship loving. The most important thing is to find ways to meet your young child’s need for external stimulation that don’t involve you and to make sure you have 30-60 minutes of uninterrupted solitude to yourself each day.

Here are seven ideas for how to make that happen:

1. Hire a pre-teen neighbor child as a mother’s helper for 60-90 minutes each afternoon. Usually, their hourly fee is nominal. She can play with your child in the backyard or living room while you retreat to your bedroom for a nap or some serious staring at the ceiling.
2. Enlist the help of grandparents and aunts. Often they know how demanding a pre-schooler can be and will be glad to help. Try to arrange their taking your son on an outing to the park or the mall for a couple of hours once or twice a week while you enjoy the peace of the house to yourself.
3. Trade babysitting with a friend or neighbor. Find another mother with a similar age child and offer to watch her child one morning a week if she’ll reciprocate by taking your child another morning. You’ll get some time to yourself, and on the days when you’re the caregiver, your son will have a playmate to interact with instead of just you. This also works well when you alternate exchanging kids on Saturday nights. It’s a way you can spend regular time with your spouse.
4. Sign your son up for Gymboree-type classes and playgroups where you can sit on the sidelines and let another adult be in charge.
5. Hire a mature caregiver for a few hours every week. This is the most expensive option, but it is well worth it. Consider it a short term expense just until your son becomes school age. Then he’ll be more independent and the opportunities for him to interact with others will increase. You’ll have more time alone on a regular basis.
6. Set boundaries to protect your needs for Introversion and your child’s need to interact with you. Retreat to solitude before you reach your limit. You’ll avoid exploding and feeling guilty afterwards.
7. When my children were pre-schoolers one of the Penley House Rules was quiet time in for everyone in their rooms every day from 3-4 p.m. Of course, this is difficult with a 3 year old; but if you consistently work toward this routine it is likely to catch on. I would tell my son, “Mommy’s gas tank is empty and the only way to fill it up is by spending time alone in my room.” I’d make a game of it, saying, “I am going to turn you off for 30 minutes“ as I turned his nose playfully like I was turning the knob of a radio. Then I’d set a kitchen timer for 30 minutes and let him take it to his room. He would draw, read or watch TV while I spent time alone nearby. He was allowed to come get me when the buzzer went off. Although I am not a big TV fan, I figured it was better for my son to watch one more children’s TV show than to have me lose it with him because I had run out of energy. As your son grows, you can steadily increase his time to play by himself to an hour.

How can I help my husband accept my child’s personality?

Q. Dear Janet - My husband hasn't accepted how different our son is from us (same boy described above).  He spends a lot of his time with our son being frustrated and asking "WHY does he have to do ______ THAT way?  WHY can't he just _______?"  Being that our son is dramatically different than us AND only 3 years old, I believe my husband is just wasting his time demanding to know "why?" Can’t he see some of the differences as wonderful assets instead of a personal affront and irritation?  I get tired of hearing my husband have the same arguments over & over & over with our son. Any suggestions? – M.

A. Dear M – I am guessing that your husband is an Intuitive-Thinking type (NT), as well as, an Introvert like you. Asking “why” is typical of Thinking types and he sounds like he struggles to accept things as they are, a typical characteristic of Intuitive types. To understand and accept your child, he may need both a logical explanation and more hands-on experience. I would recommend that he read an introductory book on personality type. MotherStyles is a good start, as well as,

• Raising Your Spirited Child (by Mary Sheedy Kucinka),

• Nurture by Nature (by Paul Tieger and Barbara Baron-Tieger)

• TypeTalk (by Otto Kroeger and Janet Thuesen).

The theory of psychological type might give him the objective framework to understand and accept differences.

In addition, he needs to gain more real-life experience with your son and children your son’s age. It will give him a more objective perspective of your son and how other parents deal with children like him.  I would encourage him to volunteer at your son’s nursery or Sunday school or take your son to a pre-school class without you.

Because you both need time alone to recharge, consider giving each other a break on the weekends. Saturday mornings might be your time to jog, read, or finish a task without interruption, while your husband cares for your son. Saturday afternoons might be his time.   

We All Have Wisdom to Share

If you relate to a particular question or have dealt with a similar situation yourself, I invite your to share your experience by posting a comment below. Thank you. Janet Penley

Comments

[Sarah Zeldman]

If your husband is resistant to reading any of the books above, I suggest going through them with a highlighter and marking the passages that are most relevant to your situation - the ones he needs to see most. Many spouses don't want to read an entire book, but will read an abbreviated version! I have found this helps to open the lines of communication.

Also, I happen to know that Raising Your Spirited Child is available as an audiobook and an audio download through audible.com I found it VERY helpful in understanding my son!

[Lisa Bryan]

Helllo--I can relate to this mother's quandary! As an INFJ raising an ENFP daughter, I have had to make adjustments to get some quiet time everyday. It's better now that she's 7, but when she was a toddler, I had to get creative. A couple things that worked for me: baths and playing with coins. Obviously, it's different for every child, but these worked for me.

Putting her in the tub contained her for a little while and she was more likely to direct herself toward her toys instead of toward me while in there. However, it quickly became a torrent of, "Mommy, come see what I'm doing!" or "Mommy, look at this!" So I had to make a rule that I would only come in once during each bath to see something. Oh, those E's need an audience for everything! :-)

Also, for some reason, my duaghter would calm down immediately and focus for a few minutes if I emptied my coin jar in front of her. She was never one to put things in her mouth, fortunately. This worked quite well when she was about 4.

One thing I read early on in a type book and have tried to remember, is not to make her feel bad for being "her." My husband and I are both extreme I's who like a like calmness and peace and she is just this exuberant creature who needs to TALK, and chatter and sing. And neither way of being is right or wrong. Sometimes, though, I'll say, "If you need to make that noise right now, please go in your room."