Q. Dear Janet -- I am an INFJ and my son is an ENFP (I think - he's only 7). I am a very orderly and organized person. Planning and completion come naturally to me. My son, on the other had, is a moving target. If he is working with one thing and something more interesting catches his attention, he'll literally drop what he's doing and move on to the new thing. If you listen to his conversations, his thoughts are quite divergent. While I admire his ability to think up new and wonderful things - it makes bedtime and homework time a chore.
If I ask him to do a task - he'll do it. But I have to realize that for him to get from point A to point F; he will first visit points B, C, D and E. He'll get there eventually; I just have to be willing to wait!!
Homework that should take 10 minutes, takes 40 because he shares every stray thought that flits through his mind while he works. I don't think he minds spending that much time on homework because he is enjoying the conversation but the dallying can get to me.
I'm trying to learn from him that it's the journey and not the destination but sometimes I yearn for the express train!!
I think what I'm describing is the J/P difference and I don't want to force him to do it my way but I feel there must be a balance between nurturing his natural curiosity and his developing at least a modicum of organizations and stick-to-itiveness. I think you need both to survive in the world but it's hard for me to walk the mid ground.
Any suggestions? Sonia
A. Dear Sonia -- Please know that as a fellow INFJ Mom with an ESTP son your story is familiar to me. If fact, I think most J moms struggle with the same issue - how to raise a P child in a J world (without losing their minds or negating their child's natural gifts). It is no easy task to walk the middle ground. It takes energy and patience, and often we veer too far one way or the other. Give yourself a pat on the back for your understanding and savvy to date.
Next, let me stress this: type develops over time. We cannot expect a 7-year-old to be as developed as a 27-year-old, or hold them to the same standards.
P children learn through trial and error how to provide the right amount and type of structure they need to be effective and meet their own expectations in life. Sometimes it isn't easy for a parent to watch them stumble around as they learn that balance.
My own P children are now adults. I see them make lists, book travel plans months in advance, and do laundry on a regular basis. All things they never did growing up.
Now let's get specific. You say homework time and bed times are the most challenging. Here are a few ideas to consider that may make it easier:
- Gear Up. Have you noticed that you have more patience and tolerance when you feel happy and energized? In order for a J mom like you to cope with a P child, you’ll have to be vigilant about maintaining your personality energy. This means being preemptive and being kind to the letters of your type. Knowing that homework and bedtime is going to be stressful there are specific ways you can gear up so you can do your best parenting. For example, I’s need solitude. What about taking 30 minutes to yourself to read a book or meditate before you start to put your son to bed? You’ll be fresher and not so desperate for him to go to sleep on time. Ns need fantasy and big ideas; why not read a juicy novel while your son sits beside you doing his homework? Or sit him down at the kitchen table for homework, while you tidy up the dinner dishes (feeding your need for order).
- Get Real. Instead of thinking his homework should take 10 minutes, it’s time to accept that it is more likely going to take 40. And bedtime is going to take an hour. Adjust your schedule and your expectations accordingly. Then, instead of feeling like he is going toooo slow, he’ll be right on schedule.
- Factor in Free Time. Js like to finish their work before they play, but P kids need some free time after school to recover from a day of classroom structure and limits before doing their homework. Your son might focus better if homework is postponed until after dinner. And be careful not to over schedule your P child with after school programs.
- Back Off. If your homework style and his style clash, maybe you need to become less involved. It might be better for your relationship if you let him take more responsibility for his work, even if it means he falls short of your standards. Letting a P child miss a deadline or fail on a project early on might be the best way to help them find their own way of succeeding.
- Make a Game of It. On the days when your patience is running low, think about making homework and bedtime into a game. Set the timer for 15 minutes. Tell him if he can beat the clock, he’ll win a prize. It doesn’t have to be anything big or expensive. In fact, sometimes the biggest reward for P kids is freedom. Or a break from routine: Eating popcorn for one supper. Watching an extra half hour of TV. Staying up a little later on Friday night. Ask him for rewards that might suit his fancy and I’m sure you’ll get lots of ideas.
- Motivate P children through their other preferences. Feeling children, like your son, are motivated by the relationship. Tell your FP son how speeding up his homework or bedtime would make you happy, help you out, or let you be together. Maybe your son would also respond to some sort of color chart. Record and graph the time he takes each night for bedtime. Use stickers and praise to reward him on the nights bedtime is smooth and quick.
- Mix it up. Realize that with P kids nothing works for long. They like variety. You may have to brainstorm dozens of different approaches to help your son develop his J side over the next 15 years. Remember, growing up (for him and for you) is a gradual process.
We All Have Wisdom to Share
Do you have tips for making homework and bed time easier? Solutions that have worked for you and your child? I invite your to share your experience by posting a comment below.
In addition please refer to MotherStyles for more practical tips:
- Chapter 5 - Lifestyles of the Planned and Flexible
- Chapter 10 - Playing to Your Child's Strengths
- Chapter 11 - Using Type to Make Sense of Parent-Children Interactions
To purchase MotherStyles at a 32% discount on Amazon.com click here.
Thank you. Janet Penley
