Mother-in-Law Do's and Don'ts

Something momentous happened in my life recently. A month ago, my first born and only son got married. As a result, and just as significant, I became a mother-in-law.

After raising my two kids into young adulthood, I have long thought of myself as a veteran mom. Now I've stepped into a whole new phase of mothering and feel like a rank beginner. That's why I need your help.

In America, we carry a negative stereotype of mother-in-laws. They (oops, I mean we!) are typically considered meddling and intrusive, as well as critical and complaining. I don't want to inadvertently fall into that trap.

Type knowledge helps. Being an FJ type (Feeling - Judging), I already know that giving my children the physical and psychological space they need to stand on their own two feet is not something that comes naturally to me. My type of mother wants to stay involved and feel connected. Knowing my type helps me to be more intentional about backing off.

However, I'm interested in what advice you younger daughters-in-laws would give to a mother-in-law just starting out.

What do you most appreciate about your own mother-in-law? What most bothers you? What do you wish she'd do more of? Less of? How would you describe the ideal mother-in-law? Now is your chance to draw from your own experience and help me develop a list of Mother-in-Law Do's and Don'ts.

Send your tips and stories to me at JPMoms@aol.com, preferably by May 1st. I will compile a summary (no real names will be used to protect your privacy) and send them to everyone in a future email. Also, if you know your type, please include it. I have a feeling different types have different needs and are irked by different issues.

Likewise, if there are any experienced mother-in-laws out there, I'm interested in what you have to say, too. Send me your thoughts at JPMoms@aol.com and I'll be sure to add them in.

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I appreciate it.

Janet Penley

PS In the meantime, read below an excerpt from MotherStyles entitled, "When Your Mother-in-Law is Not Your Type."

When Your Mother-In-Law Isn’t Your Type

Katie, an ESTJ, explains how she used type knowledge to improve her relationship with her mother-in-law, an ENFP:

I consider my mother-in-law goofy; she thinks I’m rigid. For example, she invites us over for Sunday dinner. I tell her ahead of time the baby goes to bed at 8 p.m. To me that means the dinner needs to be served no later than 6 to give us time to eat and get back home on time. But at 7, we’re still waiting for the food.  I think, How inconsiderate! If I complain, she and my husband (also an ENFP) roll their eyes at me and ask, ‘Can’t the baby go to bed a little later just for tonight?’ But why should the baby be inconvenienced because of her poor planning?

She offered to baby-sit the children a few hours a week. I told her I’d like it if she came every Tuesday morning at 9:30 a.m. But at 9:45, I’d be looking at my clock wondering where she was. By the time she came, I’d be so angry, I couldn't enjoy my time away. So I told her not to come anymore. That probably hurt her feelings. Then she started calling me at unexpected times to say her next two hours were free, should she come over and give me a break? I’d be in the middle of something and couldn't just up and leave. Unless I can plan for it, babysitting is no help at all.

Then I learned about personality type and mothering style. Immediately, I understood she meant well, but our differences were getting in the way of our relationship. I asked her to read both her profile (she’s a pastor and already knew her type from work), and mine; then we discussed our different styles. I stopped expecting her to be like me and vice versa.

Now if something comes up and I need help at the last minute, I know to call her. When I had to take my older child for stitches, she came right away to watch the baby. She now knows how important my rules are to me and makes a point of following them with the children--no candy before dinner and only an hour of TV.  I really appreciate it. When we go to her house for dinner, we take two cars. That way, if dinner ends up being too late, I can politely leave with the baby and ask my husband to bring home the leftovers. We've also rescheduled our Sunday family dinners to Friday. It’s easier for me to be flexible with the children’s bedtimes knowing they don’t have to get off to school the next morning.”

MotherStyles Goes International

Two psychologists from Hong Kong have reviewed MotherStyles on Metapsychology Online Reviews. MotherStyles is to be published in both Chinese and Korean.

Comments

[Diane Eble]

Congratulations, to you and your son, Janet!

Also, it's cool that the book is going to be published in Korean and Chinese. Shows that this material transcends culture.