Ten Things Every Mother-in-Law Should Know

Guess what? Many of you adore your mother-in-law. The rest of you - not so much.

Regardless, the topic of mothers-in-law turned out to be a hot button. I received more responses on this topic than any other. In fact, you sent me over 30 pages of thoughts and advice.  Most of it very helpful to a new mother-in-law like me. I thank each and every person for taking the time to respond. Once again, I marvel at the collective wisdom we have to share.

Unfortunately, space doesn't permit me to pass on every tidbit. Instead, I've boiled down the information to 10 Things Every Mother-in-law Should Know. If you'd like to read the actual personal stories and comments women sent to me, you can do it by reading the Comment section below. I edited each response for length and changed the names before posting.

You'll see that at times I use MIL to abbreviate mother-in-law and DIL to abbreviate daughter-in-law.

Top Ten Things Every Mother-in-Law Should Know

1. Keep negative judgments and opinions to yourself. When I asked older women for advice on being a mother-in-law what I heard most often was: "Zip your lip" "Bite your tongue" "Shut up and breathe" "Never offer your opinion or advice unless asked." This is particularly important as it pertains to childrearing. An ENTJ says, "My MIL is not judgmental about my approach to mothering or general life decisions, and I love that about her." And an INFP puts it so colorfully, "I don't need your stinkin' opinion about every little thing - especially not my children's bowel movements, not even the weather. And don't tell me what to do. Don't even make subtle suggestions. Because what YOU think is subtle is like an earthquake to me. Just keep it to yourself and keep on doing that."
2. Think of your daughter-in-law as your own child. This removes a sense of otherness, or being on opposite sides. It also helps cultivate acceptance and unconditional love. As one reader advises, "The ideal MIL will accept her new DIL with joy and curiosity, just like she accepted the children she brought into the world herself." But don't try to replace her own mother or insist that she call you Mom. As one INTJ wrote, "Calling my MIL Mom feels infantilizing to me and impedes our adult-adult relationship."  Nor should you assume the same liberties as you would with your own daughter. This is a new relationship that will take years to evolve. Many women say that it took 18, 25 or even 30 years to develop a genuine and close relationship with their mothers-in-law.
3. Speak to her directly. Ask "How can I be supportive of you, how do I add to your life and not detract from it?" From an INTJ, "My advice for a new MIL would be to be honest in your expectations. Ask her if she would like to learn about any important traditions in your family. As her what you could do to help her the most. Don't be afraid to speak to her directly." From an ISTJ, "When you don't understand something your daughter-in-law has said or done, ask her about it, but DO IT GENTLY, showing no negative overtones." From another ISTJ, "The turning point in my relationship with my MIL was when she emailed me directly to make plans for a visit instead of communicating through her son."
4. Get to know your daughter-in-law as a person and show approval for who she is. From an INTJ, "I really do have some redeeming qualities. I wish that you'd try to get to know me as me, instead of in my role as wife/appendage to your son." From Linda, "Try to see or understand what it is about her that your son loves so much." From an INFP, "I think my MIL criticisms would be much easier to take if I felt like she genuinely cared about me."
5. Help out - especially with babysitting. I heard this over and over: From an INFP, "My MIL is great with the kids. She happily watches them one night a week so we can have a date night or I can have some alone time." From Sue, "When I was a worn out new mom, my MIL would help with everything - diapers, baths, and hair for my three children."  From an INTJ, "My kids love a sleep over at Grandma's and Grandpa's; my MIL is wonderful about babysitting so we can go out."
6. Don't visit without an invitation or pressure them to visit you.  From an ISTJ, "I love my MIL because she has no expectations of how often we should get together. She wants us to live our own lives and only get together when it's convenient for us." From a MIL, "I told each couple before they got married that I would never insist that they come to my house for any specific holiday and I would NOT be offended. My sons-in-law thanked me for that because it took a huge load off them." From a DIL, "We are aware of exactly how long it has been since we last talked or visited my MIL. We do not need reminders."
7. Be aware of different caring styles. An INTJ says, "I expected my MIL to be like my mother, cheering me on in whatever endeavor I chose. Not so. I have come to understand that my MIL shows her love in other ways - she hugs a lot and gives great gifts."
8. Be sensitive to your DIL's relationship with her own mother. From an ENTJ, "I recently realized that a lot of my complaints about my MIL were really complaints I had about my own mother. My view of her was clouded by issues I had with my own mom."  From an ENFJ family system counselor, "My ENFP daughter-in-law is close to her own mother. She is not looking to me for mothering. She goes to her own mother for advice."
9. Respect their relationship and let them live their own lives. From an ENFP, "I have the best MIL. She shares her wonderful insights and stays out of the day-to-day." From an ENFJ, "My challenge as a MIL is to back off and bask in the joys of another generation coming along and living their lives. Were we really so perfect at their age?" From an ISTJ, "My MIL gives me my space but is available to help out when I ask." From Cathy, "When I ask my MIL for advice on what to do, she says that something to be discussed with my husband. My best advice is let your kids and kids-in-law know you are there for them in every way without really being all over their lives."  From an INFP, "what I appreciate about my MIL is that she accepts her son is an adult."
10. Use the MIL-DIL relationship as an opportunity for growth. One woman writes, "I would be much more willing to learn from my MIL if she would let me teach her something once in a while." From an INTJ, "I have heard that men marry women who resemble their mothers, so when I notice something that I don't like about my MIL, I use her as a mirror to find and work on my own faults." From an ENTJ, "My MIL is an ISFP, my personality opposite. But instead of looking at her as my nemesis, (which is easy to do with MILs) I try to reframe our relationship into a mutual learning partnership. I teach her to be more assertive and she teaches me to be more patient."

      You'll find additional gems of wisdom in the individual responses women wrote. You can read them in the Comment section below. I think you'll relate to many of their stories and feelings.

Thank you for all the good advice!
Janet Penley

Comments

[Carol, ENTP]

Be Friendly to the In-Laws:
One thing I have done, that I think has worked well, is tried to make a connection to my fellow parents-in-laws. For example, when I go on trips, I send them postcards and I bring back a small gift for the fellow m-i-l, just as I do for my other girlfriends. When I learn of something wrong or right in their lives, I send a note. If I see something that might be of interest to them, I e-mail it. I send a card or edible gift a holiday time. In a way, I don't focus as much on the in-law son/daughter, but maybe I reach them by being welcoming of their parents into my circle of friends/family.

[Sue, ENFJ]

Be Realistic about Expectations

One of the biggest things about mothers-in-law in this family is that as an ENFJ, my mom has very high expectations and isn’t afraid to voice her dissent if the grandkids haven’t met them. She can see the ideal and expects that others will reach for that and close the deal – done. And of course her vision for things is correct. Like myself before them, my kids unfortunately understand that there is a way to do things with Mimi and if you don’t fit in those lines, she’ll let you know (or pout about it).

John’s mother, on the other hand, is much more of an S. She takes the kids for who they are and loves them for it. Our kids can be themselves with her. She understands kids and knows they misbehave, or get tired and cranky, or don’t always do what you hope they’ll do. And she loves them no matter what. It is wonderful.

(As a raging Extrovert, my mom also gabs and gabs on the phone, so I see our kids hanging onto the handset and saying, “Yeah….yeah…uh huh…” and rolling their eyes.)

And as an F, I want everyone to get along. It grieves me that my kids don’t just love my mom; I worry about that when she visits (which isn’t very often) so I get more strict with them, hoping they will behave themselves extra well and putting additional pressure on them (especially when they were younger). So what happens? I set my standards high (of course I am also an ENFJ!) and they feel the added stress. It’s a mess!

[Helen, INFP]

What I'd Like to Say to My MIL

My mother-in-law just spent the last ten and a half days here. Here's what I would like to have told her...

Stay somewhere else, because even though you think you're being noble by helping me by doing the dishes now and then, you're really creating more work for me. Just stay in a hotel and visit during the day.

I don't need your stinkin' opinion about every little thing--especially not my children's bowel movements. And not even the weather.

Stop repeating yourself. I've heard all your stories a zillion times. How's about something fresh to talk about.

Buying a bunch of bananas every few days or so doesn't even come close to "taking care of things" in the kitchen.

Don't answer your cell in the middle of dinner, and turn the ringer off--most people are comfortable with using the vibrate feature.

Don't analyze my kids. Just love them. Don't put them in a box. Just love them.

Also, I'm not your daughter, so don't tell me what to do. Don't even make subtle suggestions, because what YOU think is subtle is like an earthquake to me. Just keep it to yourself and keep on doing that.

Sorry, Janet, I just had to vent. Maybe that will help with your situation.

[Susan, INFP]

My Biggest Pet Peeve

It's interesting that you ask about this. My friends and I who are young mothers of preschool boys have all had our complaints about our mothers-in-law and talk about how we want to be different when it's our turn. We joke that the test of a good mother-in-law is if your daughter-in-law would feel comfortable inviting you into the delivery room. And although I've had my share of complaints, I'm really very blessed with my mother-in-law and would invite her into the delivery room (I had c-sections so it wasn't possible).

My biggest pet peeve about my mother-in-law is when she tells me how she mothered with the subtle expectation that I do the same. Sometimes, she forgets that she's the grandmother and I'm the mother. She's wise enough to know not to come right out and tell me what to do, but her little jabs saying "I did it this way" are irritating. I value her opinion much more when I ask for it.

What I appreciate about my mother-in-law is that she accepts her son is an adult. She never puts him in a position to choose between her or me. In fact she's told me that she would expect him, and want him, to choose his wife. Also, she's been a great help with the kids. I'm fortunate that she lives in the same town and she happily watches the kids one night a week for us so we can have a date night or I can have some alone time.

By the way, I must tell you that your book MotherStyles was a godsend for me! It has helped me tremendously to appreciate my mothering style and stop expecting to be the "perfect" mother that has a spotless house that is beautifully decorated, never feeds her kids fast food, and follows a fine-tuned schedule. It gave me permission to accept that I'm just not a domestic diva and to focus on why I choose to be a stay-at-home mom in the first place--to nurture my children.

[Cathy, ENFP]

Laugh at Differences

I am an ENFP mother-in-law. My 28-year-old daughter-in-law is NOT an ENFP (Now that SHE is a new mom I need to get her to read MotherStyles!)
We are both in the field of education and have taken various
personality trait inventories. We know we have some commonalities but some obvious personality trait differences.

Because we have a good relationship, we can laugh about our differences. For example, when her doctor said for their baby to not start any solid foods until 5 months, I knew that she would follow his advice, regardless of what her friends or relatives suggested, so I respected her choice. Her planning and organization skills may seem rigid to some, but they are a blessing to her family and especially being married to my son who is a high school art teacher and artist!

I'm glad you are applying the principles of MotherStyles to the
relationship between mothers and mother-in-laws!

[Alice, INTJ]

My Mother-in-Law Wish List

From an I-N-T-J with an S-F-P
mother-in-law, here goes.

1. Don't insist that I call you Mom. This forced
intimacy may feel good to you, but it feels
infantilizing to me and impedes our adult-adult
relationship.

2. I know it's painful for you to see that your son
married someone the exact opposite of you and that it
feels like rejection; but really, I do have some
redeeming qualities. I wish that you'd try to get to
know me as me, instead of in my role as wife/appendage
to your son.

3. Back to this business of clinging to that "parent"
title, we're all adults now. Consequently, when you
deny or minimize family problems like substance abuse,
serious illness, etc., it doesn't feel protective, it
feels secretive.

4. I understand that as an "F," you really want
everyone to get along. But, here's some news,
difference and disagreement are naturally occurring.
It's how people manage these differences that's key.
So, next time when you interrupt discussion between
family members because it might become conflictual,
just know that you've done more to drive a wedge than
make peace.

5. Physical proximity is not the same as emotional
intimacy. Just because we are together in the same
room does not mean we're close-knit. I suspect this is
a core belief for you; but, to be honest, I'm just not
feelin' the love.

[Sara, ISTJ]

Do not judge your daughter-in-law!

Hi! First, as a good ISTJ I have to tell you that the plural of mother-in-law is mothers-in-law--same with daughter-in-law/daughters-in-law. You never put an "s" on the end of "law" unless you're making it possessive, i.e., "my mother-in-law's house".

For any mother-in-law, here is my advice:
1. Do NOT judge your daughter-in-law! If you had to cut these tips down to one tip, this would be THE ONE.
2. Remember that how you phrase things can be judgmental. You don't want to say, "Oh, why did you wear THAT?" for instance.
3. When a son has to choose between his wife and his mother, he usually chooses his wife (he has to live with her), so if you aren't careful you could be cut out of their lives entirely.
4. Although you have instilled certain habits, values, etc. into your son as you raised him, his wife may have been raised very differently, and told that the values HER parents were instilling in her were the important values. For example, maybe you're an Extravert and always told your son how important developing relationships with other people was. Perhaps his new wife had introverted parents--and they told her to not over-extend herself. So you've invited your son and daughter-in-law to dinner and they decline, saying they are "too tired". Respect that. Do not be insulted, knowing that before he was married your son would never have said that. It doesn't matter. Now he is acting not just for himself, but also on behalf of his new wife. She may think you're the greatest mother-in-law that walked the earth but may still be too tired to come over for dinner after working all day, for example.
5. When you don't understand something your daughter-in-law has said or done, ask her about it, but DO IT GENTLY, showing no negative overtones. (Better yet, don't say a word at first--wait for awhile and continue to observe her words and deeds) For example--your son and daughter-in-law have said they don't have much money, but your daughter-in-law shows up in a designer dress, saying that it's a "Versace". ASSUME THE BEST. Most likely, it is a "Versace look-alike" or a Versace that she bought in a thrift store or a Versace that she was given as a present. . . . which leads me to
6. ASSUME THE BEST MOTIVES for what your daughter-in-law is saying and doing until you are absolutely convinced to the contrary.
Okay, I'll stop here!

[Carrie]

Give Your Adult Children Space

My parents are always here for us but knowing their distance.
As a matter of fact when my brother just got married I could not stand my sister-in-law and my mom sat me down and told me "Your brother decided to marry her not you so you don't have to like her but you do have to respect her because you love your brother." She asked me to let them be even if I thought she was treating him wrong because at the end my brother will decide if she is the right person for him. They did have many issues but years later they are still married and now I love my sister-in-law because she is a great mother to my nephew and a great wife to my brother. I don't like her character or fits but like my mom said I did not marry her.

I guess the best advice is to let your kids and in-law know you are there for them in every way without really being all over their lives. Give your son his space even when he asks you to get involve in his issues.

[Peg, ISTJ]

Damned if you do ...

My mother-in-law does such a good job of giving me my space that her son thinks she's too removed (but she is always available to help when I ask) so I think this is under the category of "damned if you do, damned if you don't."

[Cindy]

Take Away Holiday Pressure to Visit

I have 4 married daughters and do have some experience being a mother-in-law. The first thing I told each couple before they got married was that I would never insist that they come to my house for any specific holiday and I would NOT be offended. My sons-in-law thanked me for that because I took a huge load off them before their marriage ever started. I had seen too many children upset over where they were going to spend their holidays and how they were going to spread themselves out between both sides of the family. It ruins holidays and takes the meaning out of them.

Because I told all of our daughters and sons-in-law that I never expected them to spend their holidays with us, they all 4 independently coordinated together so that every other Christmas is spent with us with all 4 daughters and there families together. The years that they all 4 spend Christmas with their in-laws, then they spend Thanksgiving here with us. It works out wonderfully well and everyone is happy and relaxed.

My girls are ages 34, 32, 30, and 28.

[Barb, ENFJ]

FJ Mom Learns to Back Off

I am a mother-in-law with ENFJ preferences. As you pointed out, FJ preferences can predispose a mother to want to be more involved in their offspring's physical and psychological space. So that's our challenge--to back off and and bask in the joys of another generation coming along and living their lives. Were we really so perfect as moms?

From a systems point of view, I believe it's important to be aware the relationship your daughter-in-law has with her own mother, if she her mother is alive. For instance, my daughter-in-law, an ENFP is very close to her mother. She is not looking to me for mothering. She has her own mother and that's who she goes to for advice, etc.

She and my son were married for two years before they had children. My relationship with my daughter-in-law was OK early on, nothing was special either way. However, something magical happened after my granddaughter was born. I feel incredibly grateful that she is such a loving and terrific mom As an ENFP, she very adaptable. Schedules do not drive her and my granddaughter is thriving whatever time she naps or goes to bed. Aside from that, my INTP son couldn't be happier.

[Anne]

Communication, Kindness, and a Thick Skin

My advice to an MIL just starting out would be to take the high road and to keep the lines of communication open. If you don't understand something, ask! And if your own child doesn't give you a satisfactory answer, ask your daughter-in-law!

Also, to please remember that your daughter-in-law needs your kindness in the beginning more than you need hers. As she and your son start to create their own family "culture" you will be literally the embodiment of traits they would like to preserve....as well as some they'd like to let go.

Accordingly, at some times you may appear to them in either a hyper-positive or negative light, regardless of anything you may have said or done. (Of course, this will also be true of her mother, but she will have been dealing with those issues for years. You are brand new to her.) Communication, kindness, and a thick skin will be very important.

And,if they becomes parents, expect all of the above a second time as they adjust. Expect the adjustment period to take a few years, each time.

[Leslie, INFP]

INFP Struggles with ESFJ Mother-in-Law

I must say that my relationship with my mother-in-law, although it is improving a little, is not so good as I would like.

I am an INFP and she is an ESFJ, and boy, do we see the world in a different way. Learning about personality types has helped me deal with my feelings about her a
lot, though, because I realized that a lot of what she does is natural,and she has a hard time seeing things a different way.

Our biggest struggles have been caused by her tendency to be
overbearing and bossy, and judgmental and critical of me and other people. I think if she were kinder and more sensitive and tactful when giving criticism, it would make it so much easier to take, and if I felt like she genuinely cared.

Also, I can't stand it when she acts like she is the only one that is right, and everyone else is "doing it wrong". She does this about everything- her religious beliefs, her cooking, her
housecleaning, etc.

Some things that I do like about our relationship is the fact that she has taught me some practical things and she can be understanding at times and she can be a good listener , and she can be sensitive about my feelings sometimes, although she also acts like being sensitive is wimpy. So, I guess I just wish she could be more sensitive and caring
and not come across so roughly.

I feel very oppressed by her, although I am learning slowly how to be a little more assertive and not let her walk all over me. My problem with being assertive is that I feel guilty when I say anything negative or confrontational, and it makes me feel miserable.

[Gail, INFJ]

INFJ Sturggles to Understand Traditional, Busy Emotionally Complicated MIL

If I could hypnotize my mother-in-law and tweak certain areas of her personality, I would teach her to relax. I have never seen the woman do less than two things at a time.

I always feel like an after-thought when I visit her; she is so busy cooking and offering me tea and mending the little tear in my husband's jacket to notice me.

I wish she would open up her mind a bit and learn some things from me instead of constantly trying to teach me how to be the ideal housewife. I would be much more willing to listen to her opinions if she would let me teach her something once in awhile.

I wish she could recognize the changes going on in the people around her. She is so set in her ways, so rigid and unmoving, that it feels like she's put us all in pickle jars and will never let us grow beyond her first impressions of us.

She is convinced that I am masterminding a grandiose plan to separate her from her baby boy. When my husband decided we weren't going to spend Christmas with his family, I got the blame. In her mind I am always going to be the problem child and he will always be her precious, innocent son.

I think the ideal mother-in-law will only offer advice when it is solicited, and will never check up to see if the advice was taken.

The ideal mother-in-law will except her new family member into the family with joy and curiosity, just as she accepted the children she brought into the world herself, and she will understand that the relationship will take work and that it won't be perfect right off the bat.

A good mother never has an empty nest; as children become adults and leave home, the nest becomes open rather than empty. Children should feel welcome to come and go as they must; they should feel respected as adults and equals, with opinions and insights and schedules of their own.

Being a mother-in-law is part parenting, and part being a long-term friend.

[Carla, INTJ]

Be Honest and Direct

Things are not always the way they appear. My mother-in-law does not speak her mind openly and honestly. She is always polite and seems welcoming. She is very private. She has expectations but never bothered to tell me, her daughter-in-law, what they were. I just stumbled my way through family traditions (my husband never really paid attention) and usually do not find out what I do wrong until years later.

My family is loud, they tell you what they want and think often. You always know how you stand. If you want to know something they tell you. My husbands family always has many undercurrents and a history I do not understand. It is hard to know how to act sometimes. I just try to be me and do what I was taught was right, but it really does not fit with their family.

Don't be afraid to speak to her directly. As with playing the game "Telephone" when a message is passed through another person, it can get severely distorted.

When and if you are blessed with grandchildren, I learned a great piece of advice. Take care of your baby (your son and/or daughter-in-law), so they can take care of their baby. Often Grandparents want to always take care of the baby. Most often the parents need the most help!

[Susan]

Be Kind

My advice is that a MIL be kind to her daughter in-law, even if
there are things she doesn't like about her. Realize that no one is probably ever going to be "good enough" for your son, so try to see the good in her. Show your approval for things she does that you do like, and do not express your opinion about things you do not like unless asked.

Try to understand motivations your daughter in-law has,and what her underlying feelings and needs are when she does something. If you need to talk about something you don't like that you've seen, discuss it with your son. Try not to make it sound like a criticism, but more a concern or your son may turn against you.

Attempt a friendship with your daughter in-law. Include her whenever possible in family events.

Attempt to show love and respect toward your daughter in-law.

Try to see or understand what it is about her that your son loves so much.

[Linda, ENTJ]

ENTJ Learns from ISFP Mother-in-Law

I’m not a newly married woman or a mother-in-law yet (probably won’t be too long), but like you I wonder how I can do the mother-in-law thing better than my mother-in-law or my mother.

I am an ENTJ (a take charge, unconventional, get things done kind of person), my mother-in-law is my exact opposite an ISFP (a passive, conventional, indecisive kind of person).

She sees me as too intense, too opinionated, and too impatient and I see her as too subservient, too indecisive, and too unreliable.

I have been married nearly 22 years, and over that time I have had a strange love/hate relationship with my mother-in-law.

On the one hand she is a dear soul who is always available to help with the kids in an emergency. But this same quality of helpfulness is often accompanied by a confusing passive aggressive victim hood that never ceases to frustrate me. She will drop everything, even an important doctor’s appointment without telling me until she arrives at my house to watch my kids. Then I feel guilty and irritated because I would never to that!

If I had an important doctor’s appointment, I would just tell the person asking for a favor that I am sorry but I have another obligation. They would then find someone else to help them out. She knows I have other options, friends, neighbors, sisters and even my own mother to ask if I need help.

If I didn’t know type I think she would drive me insane. But understanding her personality type has allowed me to actually become rather close to her throughout the years (albeit our relationship is frequently fraught with an underlying low level of mild irritation). But we manage to set that aside at times and truly enjoy each other’s company.

I do love her, and I believe she loves me, and the fact that we are like the sun and moon only serves to challenge me to be more patient, more forgiving and more flexible (skills that most ENTJs really need to work on). So, instead of looking at her as my nemesis (which is easy to do with mother-in-laws) I try to reframe our relationship into a sort or mutual teacher and student kind of partnership.

I teach her to be more assertive and she teaches me to be more patient. It works some of the time – and as human beings that’s about all we can ask for.