Guess what? Many of you adore your mother-in-law. The rest of you - not so much.
Regardless, the topic of mothers-in-law turned out to be a hot button. I received more responses on this topic than any other. In fact, you sent me over 30 pages of thoughts and advice. Most of it very helpful to a new mother-in-law like me. I thank each and every person for taking the time to respond. Once again, I marvel at the collective wisdom we have to share.
Unfortunately, space doesn't permit me to pass on every tidbit. Instead, I've boiled down the information to 10 Things Every Mother-in-law Should Know. If you'd like to read the actual personal stories and comments women sent to me, you can do it by reading the Comment section below. I edited each response for length and changed the names before posting.
You'll see that at times I use MIL to abbreviate mother-in-law and DIL to abbreviate daughter-in-law.
Top Ten Things Every Mother-in-Law Should Know
- Keep negative judgments and opinions to yourself. When I asked older women for advice on being a mother-in-law what I heard most often was: "Zip your lip" "Bite your tongue" "Shut up and breathe" "Never offer your opinion or advice unless asked." This is particularly important as it pertains to childrearing. An ENTJ says, "My MIL is not judgmental about my approach to mothering or general life decisions, and I love that about her." And an INFP puts it so colorfully, "I don't need your stinkin' opinion about every little thing - especially not my children's bowel movements, not even the weather. And don't tell me what to do. Don't even make subtle suggestions. Because what YOU think is subtle is like an earthquake to me. Just keep it to yourself and keep on doing that."
- Think of your daughter-in-law as your own child. This removes a sense of otherness, or being on opposite sides. It also helps cultivate acceptance and unconditional love. As one reader advises, "The ideal MIL will accept her new DIL with joy and curiosity, just like she accepted the children she brought into the world herself." But don't try to replace her own mother or insist that she call you Mom. As one INTJ wrote, "Calling my MIL Mom feels infantilizing to me and impedes our adult-adult relationship." Nor should you assume the same liberties as you would with your own daughter. This is a new relationship that will take years to evolve. Many women say that it took 18, 25 or even 30 years to develop a genuine and close relationship with their mothers-in-law.
- Speak to her directly. Ask "How can I be supportive of you, how do I add to your life and not detract from it?" From an INTJ, "My advice for a new MIL would be to be honest in your expectations. Ask her if she would like to learn about any important traditions in your family. As her what you could do to help her the most. Don't be afraid to speak to her directly." From an ISTJ, "When you don't understand something your daughter-in-law has said or done, ask her about it, but DO IT GENTLY, showing no negative overtones." From another ISTJ, "The turning point in my relationship with my MIL was when she emailed me directly to make plans for a visit instead of communicating through her son."
- Get to know your daughter-in-law as a person and show approval for who she is. From an INTJ, "I really do have some redeeming qualities. I wish that you'd try to get to know me as me, instead of in my role as wife/appendage to your son." From Linda, "Try to see or understand what it is about her that your son loves so much." From an INFP, "I think my MIL criticisms would be much easier to take if I felt like she genuinely cared about me."
- Help out - especially with babysitting. I heard this over and over: From an INFP, "My MIL is great with the kids. She happily watches them one night a week so we can have a date night or I can have some alone time." From Sue, "When I was a worn out new mom, my MIL would help with everything - diapers, baths, and hair for my three children." From an INTJ, "My kids love a sleep over at Grandma's and Grandpa's; my MIL is wonderful about babysitting so we can go out."
- Don't visit without an invitation or pressure them to visit you. From an ISTJ, "I love my MIL because she has no expectations of how often we should get together. She wants us to live our own lives and only get together when it's convenient for us." From a MIL, "I told each couple before they got married that I would never insist that they come to my house for any specific holiday and I would NOT be offended. My sons-in-law thanked me for that because it took a huge load off them." From a DIL, "We are aware of exactly how long it has been since we last talked or visited my MIL. We do not need reminders."
- Be aware of different caring styles. An INTJ says, "I expected my MIL to be like my mother, cheering me on in whatever endeavor I chose. Not so. I have come to understand that my MIL shows her love in other ways - she hugs a lot and gives great gifts."
- Be sensitive to your DIL's relationship with her own mother. From an ENTJ, "I recently realized that a lot of my complaints about my MIL were really complaints I had about my own mother. My view of her was clouded by issues I had with my own mom." From an ENFJ family system counselor, "My ENFP daughter-in-law is close to her own mother. She is not looking to me for mothering. She goes to her own mother for advice."
- Respect their relationship and let them live their own lives. From an ENFP, "I have the best MIL. She shares her wonderful insights and stays out of the day-to-day." From an ENFJ, "My challenge as a MIL is to back off and bask in the joys of another generation coming along and living their lives. Were we really so perfect at their age?" From an ISTJ, "My MIL gives me my space but is available to help out when I ask." From Cathy, "When I ask my MIL for advice on what to do, she says that something to be discussed with my husband. My best advice is let your kids and kids-in-law know you are there for them in every way without really being all over their lives." From an INFP, "what I appreciate about my MIL is that she accepts her son is an adult."
- Use the MIL-DIL relationship as an opportunity for growth. One woman writes, "I would be much more willing to learn from my MIL if she would let me teach her something once in a while." From an INTJ, "I have heard that men marry women who resemble their mothers, so when I notice something that I don't like about my MIL, I use her as a mirror to find and work on my own faults." From an ENTJ, "My MIL is an ISFP, my personality opposite. But instead of looking at her as my nemesis, (which is easy to do with MILs) I try to reframe our relationship into a mutual learning partnership. I teach her to be more assertive and she teaches me to be more patient."
You'll find additional gems of wisdom in the individual responses women wrote. You can read them in the Comment section below. I think you'll relate to many of their stories and feelings.
Thank you for all the good advice!
Janet Penley