MotherStyles Discussion Blog

Ten Things Every Mother-in-Law Should Know

Guess what? Many of you adore your mother-in-law. The rest of you - not so much.

Regardless, the topic of mothers-in-law turned out to be a hot button. I received more responses on this topic than any other. In fact, you sent me over 30 pages of thoughts and advice.  Most of it very helpful to a new mother-in-law like me. I thank each and every person for taking the time to respond. Once again, I marvel at the collective wisdom we have to share.

Unfortunately, space doesn't permit me to pass on every tidbit. Instead, I've boiled down the information to 10 Things Every Mother-in-law Should Know. If you'd like to read the actual personal stories and comments women sent to me, you can do it by reading the Comment section below. I edited each response for length and changed the names before posting.

You'll see that at times I use MIL to abbreviate mother-in-law and DIL to abbreviate daughter-in-law.

Top Ten Things Every Mother-in-Law Should Know

1. Keep negative judgments and opinions to yourself. When I asked older women for advice on being a mother-in-law what I heard most often was: "Zip your lip" "Bite your tongue" "Shut up and breathe" "Never offer your opinion or advice unless asked." This is particularly important as it pertains to childrearing. An ENTJ says, "My MIL is not judgmental about my approach to mothering or general life decisions, and I love that about her." And an INFP puts it so colorfully, "I don't need your stinkin' opinion about every little thing - especially not my children's bowel movements, not even the weather. And don't tell me what to do. Don't even make subtle suggestions. Because what YOU think is subtle is like an earthquake to me. Just keep it to yourself and keep on doing that."
2. Think of your daughter-in-law as your own child. This removes a sense of otherness, or being on opposite sides. It also helps cultivate acceptance and unconditional love. As one reader advises, "The ideal MIL will accept her new DIL with joy and curiosity, just like she accepted the children she brought into the world herself." But don't try to replace her own mother or insist that she call you Mom. As one INTJ wrote, "Calling my MIL Mom feels infantilizing to me and impedes our adult-adult relationship."  Nor should you assume the same liberties as you would with your own daughter. This is a new relationship that will take years to evolve. Many women say that it took 18, 25 or even 30 years to develop a genuine and close relationship with their mothers-in-law.
3. Speak to her directly. Ask "How can I be supportive of you, how do I add to your life and not detract from it?" From an INTJ, "My advice for a new MIL would be to be honest in your expectations. Ask her if she would like to learn about any important traditions in your family. As her what you could do to help her the most. Don't be afraid to speak to her directly." From an ISTJ, "When you don't understand something your daughter-in-law has said or done, ask her about it, but DO IT GENTLY, showing no negative overtones." From another ISTJ, "The turning point in my relationship with my MIL was when she emailed me directly to make plans for a visit instead of communicating through her son."
4. Get to know your daughter-in-law as a person and show approval for who she is. From an INTJ, "I really do have some redeeming qualities. I wish that you'd try to get to know me as me, instead of in my role as wife/appendage to your son." From Linda, "Try to see or understand what it is about her that your son loves so much." From an INFP, "I think my MIL criticisms would be much easier to take if I felt like she genuinely cared about me."
5. Help out - especially with babysitting. I heard this over and over: From an INFP, "My MIL is great with the kids. She happily watches them one night a week so we can have a date night or I can have some alone time." From Sue, "When I was a worn out new mom, my MIL would help with everything - diapers, baths, and hair for my three children."  From an INTJ, "My kids love a sleep over at Grandma's and Grandpa's; my MIL is wonderful about babysitting so we can go out."
6. Don't visit without an invitation or pressure them to visit you.  From an ISTJ, "I love my MIL because she has no expectations of how often we should get together. She wants us to live our own lives and only get together when it's convenient for us." From a MIL, "I told each couple before they got married that I would never insist that they come to my house for any specific holiday and I would NOT be offended. My sons-in-law thanked me for that because it took a huge load off them." From a DIL, "We are aware of exactly how long it has been since we last talked or visited my MIL. We do not need reminders."
7. Be aware of different caring styles. An INTJ says, "I expected my MIL to be like my mother, cheering me on in whatever endeavor I chose. Not so. I have come to understand that my MIL shows her love in other ways - she hugs a lot and gives great gifts."
8. Be sensitive to your DIL's relationship with her own mother. From an ENTJ, "I recently realized that a lot of my complaints about my MIL were really complaints I had about my own mother. My view of her was clouded by issues I had with my own mom."  From an ENFJ family system counselor, "My ENFP daughter-in-law is close to her own mother. She is not looking to me for mothering. She goes to her own mother for advice."
9. Respect their relationship and let them live their own lives. From an ENFP, "I have the best MIL. She shares her wonderful insights and stays out of the day-to-day." From an ENFJ, "My challenge as a MIL is to back off and bask in the joys of another generation coming along and living their lives. Were we really so perfect at their age?" From an ISTJ, "My MIL gives me my space but is available to help out when I ask." From Cathy, "When I ask my MIL for advice on what to do, she says that something to be discussed with my husband. My best advice is let your kids and kids-in-law know you are there for them in every way without really being all over their lives."  From an INFP, "what I appreciate about my MIL is that she accepts her son is an adult."
10. Use the MIL-DIL relationship as an opportunity for growth. One woman writes, "I would be much more willing to learn from my MIL if she would let me teach her something once in a while." From an INTJ, "I have heard that men marry women who resemble their mothers, so when I notice something that I don't like about my MIL, I use her as a mirror to find and work on my own faults." From an ENTJ, "My MIL is an ISFP, my personality opposite. But instead of looking at her as my nemesis, (which is easy to do with MILs) I try to reframe our relationship into a mutual learning partnership. I teach her to be more assertive and she teaches me to be more patient."

      You'll find additional gems of wisdom in the individual responses women wrote. You can read them in the Comment section below. I think you'll relate to many of their stories and feelings.

Thank you for all the good advice!
Janet Penley

My Top Ten List of What Not to Do in 2008

Happy New Year!

According to the University of Washington, 67% of us make new year's resolutions. Typically, they are exercise more, lose weight, and get organized. Although I can relate to all of those goals, this year, I decided instead to make a list of what I was NOT going to do in 2008. I am passing my list along to you to increase my accountability, and also in the hope that you may get some ideas for your own life. I think many moms, J types and INFJ types especially, will be able to relate. I've also included some other fun tidbits at the end to help you start your year with good intentions -- and a smile.

PS I invite you to post a comment below about your own intentions for 2008.

My Top Ten List of What Not to Do in 2008

1. Say "I'm Exhausted." I'm tired of feeling tired. I figure that every time I say "I'm exhausted" it works like an affirmation to keep me stuck in over-doing. So I'm both eliminating those words and changing an approach to life that requires me to say it.  Instead I'll say, "It's time to take a break."
2. Say "I have to." I'm freeing myself from being slavish about to-dos. I never "have to" do anything; there is always a choice. From now on, I'll say "I want to" or "I need to" and if I can't say either of those honestly, then I'm not doing it.
3. Hurry. I've spent too much time behind the wheel of a car, tense and stressed out, rushing to get to an appointment on time. My new mantra is "It's OK to be late in 2008." It even rhymes.
4. Do one more thing. This always gets me into trouble. I finish a task, feel great, and then, instead of giving myself a few minutes to celebrate completion and regroup, I plunge right into the next task to get more done. (Often why I'm rushing to an appointment, see #3, and feeling "you know what," see #1.)
5. Deprive Myself of What I Need to Feel Great. Last night at 3:30 a.m. I woke up feeling a little thirsty. Instead of getting out of bed for some water, I told myself I'd be OK without it; after all I'd be getting up in a few hours. Then I had the "aha!" This is a subtle form of self-deprivation, and I'll not have it any longer. I got up and gave myself a drink of water. It tasted really good.
6. Think or Say Disrespectful Things About Myself. Hey, inner critic, I'm a grown-up woman who has done her best to live well and love fully; time to lay off with the fault-finding already.
7. Spend Long Hours at the Computer. I love the Internet (especially www.jigzone.com), but it's really making my neck and shoulders sore. Time for me to unplug, go outside, and play in the fresh air and sunshine.
8. Over Schedule. I can do it, but do I want to do it? Maximizing what I do each day minimizes my pleasure in living. See #1.
9. Judge Others. I've made lots of progress here, but it bears a reminder - each of us are divine expressions of life and doing the best we can. We deserve  blessings not judgements.
10. Try to Control What Is Not Under My Control. Mostly this is about trying to control what other people do: my kids, my husband, my next-door neighbor, my country's leaders. Best to focus on trying to control myself (see #1-9). 

Start the Year with a Smile

Smile Meditation. A great book to read if you haven't already is Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. In it, a Balinese medicine man tells how to increase the good energy in your life by doing a simple smile meditation. 

"To meditate, only you must smile. Smile with face, smile with mind, and good energy will come to you and clean away dirty energy. Even smile in your liver. Practice tonight. Not to hurry, not to try too hard. Too serious, you make you sick. You can call the good energy to you with a smile."

I've been doing a smile meditation for 1-5 minutes each day. I sit, I close my eyes, I smile. I say to myself, I'm smiling because and fill in the blank with what makes me smile in my life, I try to imagine every part of my body smiling. Try it, and see if your own happiness increases.

PUKE. Yes, that's right. One ISTJ mother told me she'd reduced her new year's resolutions to one acronym - PUKE: patience, understanding, kindness, and enthusiasm.

The Way of the Turtle.  Another mother passed on this little ditty to help remind us all to slow down in 2008:

"I'm in a hurry to get things done
I rush and rush
'Til life's no fun."

My Wish

Heidi Stevens, Chicago Tribune staff reporter, asked me for my end-of-year wish to include in her December 23rd Parent-to-Parent column. Here's what I told her:

I wish that supporting our country's mothers would be considered as patriotic as supporting our troops.  Every day about 35 million mothers dutifully tend to the needs of our next generation. For their efforts, they earn no pay and little recognition. Yet without their service and dedication, our society would scarcely be worth defending.

Time to stand up and cheer for all you do!

Janet Penley, author of  MotherStyles- Using Personality Type to Discover Your Parenting Strengths by Janet P. Penley with Diane Eble

 

Emotional Intelligence in Parenting: Do Thinking and Feeling Mothers Praise their Children for Different Reasons?

In the most recent Bulletin for Psychological Type, several type professionals wrote about personality type and Emotional Intelligence. Elizabeth Murphy, author of The Developing Child, hypothesized that Thinking and Feeling managers both give positive feedback to their employees, but do it for different reasons. She says Thinking types do it because they consider it an effective human relations strategy. Feeling types do it as a reflection of what they would need in the same situation. 

I wondered if those differences would also be true for Thinking and Feeling mothering styles. To find out, I posted a short poll on the right column of my blog. Now, a month later, I am reporting on the results. Thanks to everyone who took the time to cast their votes. It seems that indeed Thinking and Feeling mothers to praise their children for different reasons:   

• Most Thinking mothers (87%) say they praise their child because it is an effective parenting strategy.
• Most Feeling mothers (63%) say they praise their child because as a child they liked to be praised.
• Feeling mothers gave a more mixed response than Thinking mothers.  More than a third of Feeling mothers (37%) say they use praise primarily because it is effective. Yet, only 13% of Thinking mothers praise their child because they themselves like praise.   

The results are based on a sample of 65. Of that, two thirds were Feeling moms and one third were Thinking moms.   

More Food for Thought

In case you missed it, here are comments from two parent coaches. (I’ve edited them slightly for length.) The first is from Karen, INFP and the second is from Kelly Jo, INTP. Their types are the same except for a difference on Feeling and Thinking. Both of these mothers place importance on encouragement and want to avoid their children turning into “praise junkies.” However, the Feeling mom likes to praise and the Thinking mom doesn’t believe in it. The Feeling mom loves to say “You were awesome just then!” and the Thinking mom says things like, “You can do it.” 

Karen, INFP: As an INFP, I do like to praise because I like to focus on the positive with my children. I also know it feels good! That said, as a parenting coach, I also believe that encouragement and praise are distinctly different, and that encouragement helps kids to focus less on pleasing us and more on empowering them. I don't want my children to become "praise junkies" and dependent on me for approval--and yet the Feeling mom in me loves to throw out a "You were AWESOME just then!" because it just seems like the right thing to do at the time!

Kelly Jo, INTP: I personally do not believe in praise. I see praise as a positive judgment on the child's behavior just as much as criticism is a negative judgment on their behavior.
That doesn't mean I don't encourage and mirror to them their behaviors to help them grow. But this is done without judgment so they can learn what lies within them for their own journey in life.

I paid attention and "watched" myself all day and I tend
to say things like:
"You can do it."
"You did it."
"I see that."
"You seem very proud..."
"Thank you"

What is your biggest taboo in mothering?
Before you leave, please take a moment to cast your vote in my current poll. You’ll find it on the upper right side of this blog in a blue box. When I first began working with mothers in 1988, I thought H-E-L-P was the ultimate four-letter word. Times have changed since then, and I wonder if the biggest mothering taboo has changed too. Would you please help me find out? I’ll post the results in my next blog and also reveal which is my own personal taboo.

Thanks, Janet Penley

Praising Your Children – 10 Do’s, Don’ts and Thoughts to Ponder

Two recent articles, one in New York Magazine and one in msnbc.com, propose the idea that today's parents may be over-praising their children. Too much praise, they say, can lead to self-centeredness and underachievement.

I thought about these points from the perspective of personality type and came up with 10 guidelines of my own for praising children. Based on your own wisdom and experience, which ones ring most true for you?

1. Do praise your children. Feeling children, especially, need a good dose of praise to thrive. In the absence of praise, they hear criticism. To withhold praise from a Feeling child can diminish their feelings of worth. Thinking children need it less, but won't be harmed by it either. I, for one, like praise and would rather err in giving too much to my children rather than too little. Most experts, in many different fields, agree that praising someone for a good behavior is more effective than criticizing them for a bad behavior. I think this is especially true for Feeling children because they like to please.
2. Don’t fret too much about over-praising.  As Pearl S. Buck says, “Some are kissing mothers and some are scolding mothers, but it is love just the same and most mothers kiss and scold together.” The truth is we are not always pleased by what our children do. For most mothers, day in and day out, the impulse to criticize is much stronger than to compliment.
3. Still, there’s no need to praise your child every time. Like any constant stimulus, kids will tune it out and take it for granted. According to behaviorists, animals that are given a reward every time they do a specific behavior, stop performing soon after the rewards are stopped. Children who have received constant and lavish praise may struggle more than others when they find themselves in situations where there is little praise.
4. Intermittent praise is probably most effective. Animals that receive intermittent and random rewards maintain the targeted behaviors longest when the rewards stop. That’s good news, because most parental praise is naturally spontaneous and intermittent.
5. Respect that your children are fellow humans on life’s journey. I bristle at the thought of raising kids like they are Pavlov's dogs or rats in a maze. It is probably better to be overly gushy or critical than to be a parent who treats a child as if he or she were scientific experiments. Your child is not your project to shape and fix.
6. It’s a good idea to praise children for behaviors they can control -- like effort or behavior -- rather than always praising them for things they can't control -- like intelligence or beauty. But parents shouldn't be afraid to mix in some “You're so smart” and “You're so beautiful” comments too. With Feeling children, praising the deed is often interpreted as praising the child. I’ll never forget the time my Feeling daughter came home from her first softball practice. “The coach likes me,” she said. “Why is that?” I asked. “Because he said I was a good hitter.”
7. I also favor "I" statements: “I like the way you smile,” “I like the way you gave that boy one of your cookies,” “I like to hear you read.” It seems less judgmental than “You have a nice smile” or “You are a good reader.” And more respectful of their own inner authority.
8. Teach kids to self-evaluate. As I mentioned in #1, some children are born people-pleasers. They need positive affirmation, especially from their parents and teachers, to feel loved and appreciated. A parent can meet that need, and at the same time encourage them to be more inner-directed. Elizabeth Murphy, author of the Developing Child, recommends this: When your daughter comes to ask if her drawing is pretty, say “I’ll be glad to tell you what I think, but first tell me whether you think the drawing is pretty.” Then the parent can praise the child’s self-evaluation process as well as the picture.
9. Life outside the home has a way of balancing out any one-sidedness within the family. Our children might learn the hard way that not everyone thinks they’re as fabulous as mom does, but they’ll learn. Particularly when you are there to listen and offer perspective. I question the premise that too much praise makes our children self-centered and "big headed." I think the narcissistic tendencies in our society come from different and more complicated sources.
10. Ask yourself why you praise your kids, and be honest. In parenting, our intentions speak louder than anything we say or do. If the intention of your praise is loving, then its effect likely will be positive. Is your praise based on your child's need or your own? Are you trying to control your children through rewards? Are you trying to make your child a high performer so you will feel successful as a parent? Are you trying to be a perfect parent or raise a perfect child? Are you afraid your child isn’t good enough or not resilient enough to rebound from failure or not being the best? Praise coming from these intentions is likely to backfire. We should aspire to praise that is genuine, loving, respectful and based on our children's needs instead of our own.

Please share your own perspectives and stories about praise by posting a comment below. I will summarize and respond to them in my next blog. Who knows, I might even praise some of them J.

Before you leave, cast your vote. Scroll up to the top of this posting and find the poll box on the right side column. Be sure to find the choice that best reflects your sentiment and also reflects your type (Thinking or Feeling). I'll compile the results and summarize them in a future post. Thank you!

Janet Penley