MotherStyles Discussion Blog

My Top Ten List of What Not to Do in 2008

Happy New Year!

According to the University of Washington, 67% of us make new year's resolutions. Typically, they are exercise more, lose weight, and get organized. Although I can relate to all of those goals, this year, I decided instead to make a list of what I was NOT going to do in 2008. I am passing my list along to you to increase my accountability, and also in the hope that you may get some ideas for your own life. I think many moms, J types and INFJ types especially, will be able to relate. I've also included some other fun tidbits at the end to help you start your year with good intentions -- and a smile.

PS I invite you to post a comment below about your own intentions for 2008.

My Top Ten List of What Not to Do in 2008

1. Say "I'm Exhausted." I'm tired of feeling tired. I figure that every time I say "I'm exhausted" it works like an affirmation to keep me stuck in over-doing. So I'm both eliminating those words and changing an approach to life that requires me to say it.  Instead I'll say, "It's time to take a break."
2. Say "I have to." I'm freeing myself from being slavish about to-dos. I never "have to" do anything; there is always a choice. From now on, I'll say "I want to" or "I need to" and if I can't say either of those honestly, then I'm not doing it.
3. Hurry. I've spent too much time behind the wheel of a car, tense and stressed out, rushing to get to an appointment on time. My new mantra is "It's OK to be late in 2008." It even rhymes.
4. Do one more thing. This always gets me into trouble. I finish a task, feel great, and then, instead of giving myself a few minutes to celebrate completion and regroup, I plunge right into the next task to get more done. (Often why I'm rushing to an appointment, see #3, and feeling "you know what," see #1.)
5. Deprive Myself of What I Need to Feel Great. Last night at 3:30 a.m. I woke up feeling a little thirsty. Instead of getting out of bed for some water, I told myself I'd be OK without it; after all I'd be getting up in a few hours. Then I had the "aha!" This is a subtle form of self-deprivation, and I'll not have it any longer. I got up and gave myself a drink of water. It tasted really good.
6. Think or Say Disrespectful Things About Myself. Hey, inner critic, I'm a grown-up woman who has done her best to live well and love fully; time to lay off with the fault-finding already.
7. Spend Long Hours at the Computer. I love the Internet (especially www.jigzone.com), but it's really making my neck and shoulders sore. Time for me to unplug, go outside, and play in the fresh air and sunshine.
8. Over Schedule. I can do it, but do I want to do it? Maximizing what I do each day minimizes my pleasure in living. See #1.
9. Judge Others. I've made lots of progress here, but it bears a reminder - each of us are divine expressions of life and doing the best we can. We deserve  blessings not judgements.
10. Try to Control What Is Not Under My Control. Mostly this is about trying to control what other people do: my kids, my husband, my next-door neighbor, my country's leaders. Best to focus on trying to control myself (see #1-9). 

Start the Year with a Smile

Smile Meditation. A great book to read if you haven't already is Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. In it, a Balinese medicine man tells how to increase the good energy in your life by doing a simple smile meditation. 

"To meditate, only you must smile. Smile with face, smile with mind, and good energy will come to you and clean away dirty energy. Even smile in your liver. Practice tonight. Not to hurry, not to try too hard. Too serious, you make you sick. You can call the good energy to you with a smile."

I've been doing a smile meditation for 1-5 minutes each day. I sit, I close my eyes, I smile. I say to myself, I'm smiling because and fill in the blank with what makes me smile in my life, I try to imagine every part of my body smiling. Try it, and see if your own happiness increases.

PUKE. Yes, that's right. One ISTJ mother told me she'd reduced her new year's resolutions to one acronym - PUKE: patience, understanding, kindness, and enthusiasm.

The Way of the Turtle.  Another mother passed on this little ditty to help remind us all to slow down in 2008:

"I'm in a hurry to get things done
I rush and rush
'Til life's no fun."

My Wish

Heidi Stevens, Chicago Tribune staff reporter, asked me for my end-of-year wish to include in her December 23rd Parent-to-Parent column. Here's what I told her:

I wish that supporting our country's mothers would be considered as patriotic as supporting our troops.  Every day about 35 million mothers dutifully tend to the needs of our next generation. For their efforts, they earn no pay and little recognition. Yet without their service and dedication, our society would scarcely be worth defending.

Time to stand up and cheer for all you do!

Janet Penley, author of  MotherStyles- Using Personality Type to Discover Your Parenting Strengths by Janet P. Penley with Diane Eble

 

Holday Help & Ho, Ho, Ho's!

Could you use a few laughs to lighten up the December holiday to-do rush?

In case you missed them, here are links to two sites that are lots of fun and will make you chuckle about being a mom even on the worst days. 

Because I Said So!  A hilarious weblog by Dawn Meehan, about her daily life as a 30-something mother of 3 girls and 3 boys (the original Brady Bunch but without Alice). Her blog's motto is, "Changing lives, one diaper at a time, since 1994." If you subscribe to her feed, you'll get updates whenever she makes an entry. Even though I'm no longer in the thick of child rearing, her writing is so clever it makes me smile every time. I first read about her in the Chicago Tribune. She got started by writing a fun entry on EBay to sell her son's Pokemon cards and has become an overnight sensation. To read her Ebay posting, click here.

William Tell Overture Mom  Written and performed by Anita Renfroe (copyright 2007 Bluebonnet Hills Music/BMI), this amazing comedian has condensed what a typical mom would say to her kids in one day into a 2 min. and 55 second song sung to the tune of the William Tell Overture. It goes very fast, so if you'd like to read the lyrics go to www.mommyneedscoffee.com

Need a Good Babysitter?

Here is a resource you might like to check out.

Stacy DeBroff, of www.MomCentral.com, is offering a free 3-month trial membership (a $60 value!) to introduce you to Care.com, an innovative new website which helps busy mothers connect with trustworthy caregivers matched specifically to their family's needs. To take advantage of this offer, sign up for the membership at the following link: http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=oIbDBoEmAU0cT1wsoFcmLw_3d_3d

I haven't yet used Care.com myself so I can't recommend it from personal experience. But here is one sample of the positive feedback she's received from those who have signed up to try Care.com:

"Just as I signed up for my complimentary subscription, I found myself in my own caregiver panic situation. My long-time babysitter just told me on Monday that she needed to get a full-time job, which I can't offer her. So I went onto Care.com, found a few people in my area to choose from, and checked out their references. In just a couple of days, I pinpointed someone who matched my family's needs exactly, interviewed her, and fell in love with her! I'm always nervous about hiring a new babysitter unless she's been referred by a close friend, but Care.com made me feel completely comfortable that the sitters on the site were pre-approved and qualified. It was easy and convenient, and I'm thrilled with the results."
~ Dana Hilmer, Mom Central Consulting principal and author of Blindsided By A Diaper

Great Gift Ideas for Under $15!

Remember that MotherStyles makes a unique and thoughtful gift for all the mothers and teachers on your list.  Order now from Amazon.com at a 30% discount to arrive by Dec. 24.

 

    MotherStyles-
     Using Personality Type to Discover Your Parenting Strengths

     by Janet P. Penley
     with Diane Eble

Do You Know Myers-Briggs Personality Type? Type Resources has put together a fun gift guide for different personality types that you might like to check out.

Support Our Troops: If you send out holiday cards, consider mailing one to:
A Recovering American Soldier
c/o Walter Reed Army Medical  Center
6900 Georgia Avenue, NW
Washington, D. C. 20307-5001

To Your Mothering (and Holiday) Happiness!

Janet Penley

Mom Likes to Please, Daughter Likes to Argue

This month's Q and A is about parent-child power struggles.   A pleasing, conflict-avoiding mom wonders how best to parent her strong-willed, argumentative daughter. She's stumped because her child's personality is so unlike hers. Her question and my answer appears below.

I could use your help, though. Were you considered bossy or argumentative as a child? If so, you are an expert in how best to parent a child of your type. Tell us what you wish your parents would have done in a situation like this. I invite you to share your tips and experience by posting a comment on the MotherStyles Discussion Blog below. Or email me your thoughts at JPMoms@aol.com.

Q. Hello! I have a seven year old daughter who is an absolute joy!  She is smart, sweet, and so fun.  However, she has a strong personality, loves conflict, can be bossy, even mean at times. Nor does she have a lot of need for snuggles or kisses.

I am her mother and I am a nurturer. Oddly enough, I don't ever remember wanting to engage in power struggles with my parents. I just wanted to please them, everyone else, and frankly, I am still that way.  I try to be understanding, but am so upset when there is conflict.  I don't always know how to connect with her.  What are your suggestions when we are so different?

p.s.  I just ordered your book and hope to find more info. in there!

A. I am going to guess that you are a Feeling type and your daughter is a Thinking type. Feeling types are typically people-pleasers who strive for harmony in their relationships and focus on meeting the needs of others. Thinking types put a higher priority on fairness, respect, competency and therefore can tolerate more conflict in relationships in service of those  priorities.

I also guess your daughter is a Judging type. Judging children are often described as bossy. They need rules and structure to feel secure, aim to do things the "right way," and want everyone to honor these limits as well.

The fact that you regard your daughter as a strong personality gives me a clue that she might be an Extraverted type as well. Extraverted types wear their strongest side outward; Introverted types direct it inward.

In sum, I am guessing your daughter's type to be ESTJ or ENTJ.  Both of those types are natural leaders and organizers. They are decisive, like to take charge and push to accomplish logical outcomes. They often show confidence and assertiveness early on. They are well-represented among executives, administrators and managers, and the jobs that suit them best are often well-paid.

The troublesome behaviors you have identified - bossy, argumentative, love of conflict, and less need for physical connection - are all signs of an ESTJ/ENTJ type under construction. Your daughter is in the process of developing her strengths. It might not look very pretty now, but you wait and see. When she is an adult you will be very proud of who she turns out to be.

In the meantime, remember, you have the power. You are bigger, older, more experienced, and more mature. You have the power to protect and support. You also have the power to shame, belittle, neglect. I don’t know a child of any age that has not been powerfully influenced by their parents. Yet power is not the equivalent of control. In fact, the more powerful you feel, the less need you may have for control.

Power-struggles are based on the idea that there is one “right” way. Either your way is right, and your daughter should shape up; or your daughter’s way is right and you should back down. It’s like a see saw. If one person is up, the other is down. The framework of personality type can get you off the see saw. It lets you see the rightness of different ways. If you can appreciate that each of your approaches to life have merit, then you can begin to problem-solve how to live together in a harmonious and respectful way.

Now, let's get specific. What is a nurturing mom like you to do to avoid power struggles and help your daughter become the best she can be.  Here are a few ideas to consider:

1. Enlist your child in problem-solving. Identify what is the problem and then ask for her ideas on how to solve it. For example, “Every time I ask you to clear off the dinner dishes, you start to argue about it. How can we change the situation to better meet both our objectives?” Thinking-Judging children love problem solving, and are more apt to follow the rules if they are the one’s who made them.
2. Tell her the reasons why. Thinking children need to know the logic behind rules, limits, and requests. When talking to Thinking types: 1. Stay cool and calm. 2. Be brief. 3. Be direct. 4. Be logical. Example: “I want you to load the dishwasher. I’m ready to make dinner and I need space to work."
3. Try not to take her confrontations or lack of affection personally. They are the flipside of her developing logic and objectivity. Allow opportunity for complaining and “conversational criticism.” Try not to interpret comments as criticisms, or criticisms as personal attacks.
4. Give her feedback about feelings. You can help your daughter develop by letting her know the emotional impact her words and actions have on others. Treat other people’s feelings as facts that she needs to weigh in her decision-making.  Instead of thinking of her as mean, think of her as learning.
5. Lower your expectations for harmony. Many Feeling types strive for 100% harmony in family relationships. To achieve this, they say yes when they feel like saying no, resolve conflicts before the issues have been adequately aired and expect others to do the same. Your Thinking daughter can help you develop your ability to stand your ground and realize that you can say no, fight, and still be loved.
6. Be aware of gender expectations. As a Feeling type, you tend to fit traditional female gender expectations better than your Thinking daughter. At times, you may expect her to be more like you and act more girly. But this is not who she is. She needs you to be sensitive to her being a Thinking female. You can help her form a feminine identity that honors her nature as well as the expectations others will place on her.
7. Value your child for her strengths. ESTJs and ENTJs do best when their capabilities and competencies are recognized and appreciated.

In this month of Thanksgiving, I am thankful for all you mothers. You take good care of our little ones and help make the world a better place.  Thank you, Janet Penley

Motherhood 50 Years after June Cleaver

Did you know that today is the 50th anniversary of the first episode of Leave it to Beaver?

It's true. On October 4, 1957, June Cleaver freshened her lipstick, donned an apron and stepped into our homes for the first time. I don’t know whether I actually saw Leave it to Beaver that Friday night; I was only six. I do know I caught most of the next 234 episodes. Like millions of other Baby Boomers, I watched it each week, sprawled in front of our family’s wood console TV.

In hindsight, I think perhaps “watched” is too weak a word.  It would be more accurate to say, in today’s vernacular, that I “downloaded” the show. My tender, young brain absorbed its black and white images of idyllic family life without the protection of any firewall or filter.  I never questioned whether June Cleaver was real; I knew she was. I could see her, hear her, and she fit my childhood ideal of motherhood like Cinderella’s glass slipper. I secretly vowed that when I grew up, I would be a mother just like her – always there, calm and listening. 

Years later, after I gave birth to my son and daughter, I discovered the difficulty of that goal. My generation of women entered the professional world in unprecedented numbers, and once we became mothers, we still expected ourselves to be as traditionally nurturing as June. When we fell short, we blamed our own inadequacies, not June’s implausibility. In some ways, June Cleaver is to mothers, as Barbie is to little girls, an icon of femininity that belies reality and sabotages self-image. 

Even today’s mothers, who know her only from reruns, are not immune. I have two nieces - both mothers, one a full-time human resource manager and one a stay-at-home mom. They use June’s name as a short-hand code for the perfect, happy homemaker; an image that can still induce a pang of guilt when the house is a mess, the laundry undone, or they’ve just snapped at their Beaver-aged children.

Yet mothers today have largely broken free from narrow June Cleaver-type expectations. They’re more apt to wear jeans than dresses. Only the most diehard strive for a home-cooked dinner every night. According to the Bureau of Labor, more than half are employed full or part time.

However, for every expectation mothers have let go, many others have taken its place. In the 1950s, if a mother kept her children clean, well-fed, and minding their manners, she considered herself successful. Now most mothers feel responsible for their child’s self-esteem and mental development, too. In five decades, science has produced a profusion of research on what a child needs to grow and mature. Modern mothers, bombarded with all kinds of parenting advice, struggle to keep up-to-date with the latest and best parenting techniques. They buy learning DVDs for their infants, home school, and carpool youngsters to an endless schedule of enrichment programs. Mothers also are expected to keep their children safe in a world that seems increasingly dangerous. June Cleaver never worried about car seats, bicycle helmets, and parental controls for TV and Internet.

I first began leading programs for mothers in 1988. Back then, H-E-L-P seemed to be the ultimate four-letter word in mothering. That was the age of SuperMom.  Mothers would rather do everything themselves rather than risk appearing incompetent, inadequate or needy. However, in a recent straw poll, I learned a new taboo word has taken the lead among today’s generation. Mothers now say they most avoid being L-A-Z-Y.  If they’re not constantly busy, they feel like slackers. No wonder. In a society that values industry, speed and efficiency, mothers tend to define their worth by how productive they are. They expect themselves to be constantly going and doing, without need for recovery or downtime.

So, in a nutshell, even though motherhood has changed a lot since June Cleaver, one thing hasn’t changed. Mothers continue to hold themselves to unattainable standards. This makes mothering harder than it needs to be.

In fact, mothers may be losing their Funktionslust. This old German term refers to the simple joy of functioning. It’s the pleasure a child feels running down a hill or June Cleaver might have felt serving up milk and cookies. It’s the happiness people experience when using their individual strengths and living at a natural pace. 

There’s a common saying: “If mom ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” If mothers are too pressured to enjoy life, then what hope is there for the rest of us?

By Janet P. Penley, a parent coach since 1988, and lead author of MotherStyles – Using Personality Type to Discover Your Parenting Strengths, with Diane Eble (Da Capo, 2006)

Orderly Mom Asks How to Keep a Meandering Child on Task

Q. Dear Janet -- I am an INFJ and my son is an ENFP (I think - he's only 7). I am a very orderly and organized person. Planning and completion come naturally to me. My son, on the other had, is a moving target. If he is working with one thing and something more interesting catches his attention, he'll literally drop what he's doing and move on to the new thing. If you listen to his conversations, his thoughts are quite divergent. While I admire his ability to think up new and wonderful things - it makes bedtime and homework time a chore.

If I ask him to do a task - he'll do it. But I have to realize that for him to get from point A to point F; he will first visit points B, C, D and E. He'll get there eventually; I just have to be willing to wait!! 

Homework that should take 10 minutes, takes 40 because he shares every stray thought that flits through his mind while he works. I don't think he minds spending that much time on homework because he is enjoying the conversation but the dallying can get to me.

I'm trying to learn from him that it's the journey and not the destination but sometimes I yearn for the express train!!

I think what I'm describing is the J/P difference and I don't want to force him to do it my way but I feel there must be a balance between nurturing his natural curiosity and his developing at least a modicum of organizations and stick-to-itiveness. I think you need both to survive in the world but it's hard for me to walk the mid ground.
Any suggestions?   Sonia

A. Dear Sonia -- Please know that as a fellow INFJ Mom with an ESTP son your story is familiar to me. If fact, I think most J moms struggle with the same issue - how to raise a P child in a J world (without losing their minds or negating their child's natural gifts). It is no easy task to walk the middle ground. It takes energy and patience, and often we veer too far one way or the other. Give yourself a pat on the back for your understanding and savvy to date. 

Next, let me stress this: type develops over time. We cannot expect a 7-year-old to be as developed as a 27-year-old, or hold them to the same standards.

P children learn through trial and error how to provide the right amount and type of structure they need to be effective and meet their own expectations in life. Sometimes it isn't easy for a parent to watch them stumble around as they learn that balance.

My own P children are now adults. I see them make lists, book travel plans months in advance, and do laundry on a regular basis. All things they never did growing up. 

Now let's get specific. You say homework time and bed times are the most challenging. Here are a few ideas to consider that may make it easier:

1. Gear Up. Have you noticed that you have more patience and tolerance when you feel happy and energized? In order for a J mom like you to cope with a P child, you’ll have to be vigilant about maintaining your personality energy. This means being preemptive and being kind to the letters of your type. Knowing that homework and bedtime is going to be stressful there are specific ways you can gear up so you can do your best parenting. For example, I’s need solitude. What about taking 30 minutes to yourself to read a book or meditate before you start to put your son to bed? You’ll be fresher and not so desperate for him to go to sleep on time. Ns need fantasy and big ideas; why not read a juicy novel while your son sits beside you doing his homework? Or sit him down at the kitchen table for homework, while you tidy up the dinner dishes (feeding your need for order).
2. Get Real. Instead of thinking his homework should take 10 minutes, it’s time to accept that it is more likely going to take 40. And bedtime is going to take an hour. Adjust your schedule and your expectations accordingly. Then, instead of feeling like he is going toooo slow, he’ll be right on schedule.
3. Factor in Free Time. Js like to finish their work before they play, but P kids need some free time after school to recover from a day of classroom structure and limits before doing their homework. Your son might focus better if homework is postponed until after dinner. And be careful not to over schedule your P child with after school programs.
4. Back Off. If your homework style and his style clash, maybe you need to become less involved. It might be better for your relationship if you let him take more responsibility for his work, even if it means he falls short of your standards. Letting a P child miss a deadline or fail on a project early on might be the best way to help them find their own way of succeeding.
5. Make a Game of It. On the days when your patience is running low, think about making homework and bedtime into a game. Set the timer for 15 minutes. Tell him if he can beat the clock, he’ll win a prize. It doesn’t have to be anything big or expensive. In fact, sometimes the biggest reward for P kids is freedom. Or a break from routine: Eating popcorn for one supper. Watching an extra half hour of TV.  Staying up a little later on Friday night. Ask him for rewards that might suit his fancy and I’m sure you’ll get lots of ideas.
6. Motivate P children through their other preferences. Feeling children, like your son, are motivated by the relationship. Tell your FP son how speeding up his homework or bedtime would make you happy, help you out, or let you be together. Maybe your son would also respond to some sort of color chart. Record and graph the time he takes each night for bedtime. Use stickers and praise to reward him on the nights bedtime is smooth and quick.
7. Mix it up. Realize that with P kids nothing works for long. They like variety. You may have to brainstorm dozens of different approaches to help your son develop his J side over the next 15 years. Remember, growing up (for him and for you) is a gradual process.

We All Have Wisdom to Share

Do you have tips for making homework and bed time easier? Solutions that have worked for you and your child? I invite your to share your experience by posting a comment below.

In addition please refer to MotherStyles for more practical tips:

• Chapter 5 - Lifestyles of the Planned and Flexible
• Chapter 10 - Playing to Your Child's Strengths
• Chapter 11 - Using Type to Make Sense of Parent-Children Interactions

To purchase MotherStyles at a 32% discount on Amazon.com click here.
Thank you. Janet Penley

Help! My Extraverted Child Wears Me Out!

Q. Dear Janet -- Our 3 yr old is so energetic and social. Both my husband and I are far more reserved. My son’s intensity just drains us  - so much motion, chatter, singing, etc. we have a hard time not yelling at him at night to "just stop!"  Stop physically moving, stop singing, stop asking so many questions, stop and let me do a chore by myself, etc. I am exhausted trying to meet his needs for interaction and my need for time alone. Can you help? – M.

A. Dear M -- Thanks for your question. First off, please know that you are not the only mother to express this type of frustration over an active, talkative little one. I am an Introverted type and when my Extraverted son was your son's age, I felt just like you. It is draining for an Introverted mother to interact constantly with a very Extraverted child. Many Introverted mothers say their Extraverted child is draining the life out of them.

Extraverted types turn outward to the world around them for energy. Introverts turn inward to recharge. In the early years, for the most part, you are your child’s world. So he is constantly engaging you for stimulation. However, with each interaction, you lose energy. It’s easy to understand your frustration and see how it might even turn into resentment unless you find a solution.

However, please keep in mind your child has no idea he is pushing you beyond your limits. Only you know that. Therefore you must take action to keep your relationship loving. The most important thing is to find ways to meet your young child’s need for external stimulation that don’t involve you and to make sure you have 30-60 minutes of uninterrupted solitude to yourself each day.

Here are seven ideas for how to make that happen:

1. Hire a pre-teen neighbor child as a mother’s helper for 60-90 minutes each afternoon. Usually, their hourly fee is nominal. She can play with your child in the backyard or living room while you retreat to your bedroom for a nap or some serious staring at the ceiling.
2. Enlist the help of grandparents and aunts. Often they know how demanding a pre-schooler can be and will be glad to help. Try to arrange their taking your son on an outing to the park or the mall for a couple of hours once or twice a week while you enjoy the peace of the house to yourself.
3. Trade babysitting with a friend or neighbor. Find another mother with a similar age child and offer to watch her child one morning a week if she’ll reciprocate by taking your child another morning. You’ll get some time to yourself, and on the days when you’re the caregiver, your son will have a playmate to interact with instead of just you. This also works well when you alternate exchanging kids on Saturday nights. It’s a way you can spend regular time with your spouse.
4. Sign your son up for Gymboree-type classes and playgroups where you can sit on the sidelines and let another adult be in charge.
5. Hire a mature caregiver for a few hours every week. This is the most expensive option, but it is well worth it. Consider it a short term expense just until your son becomes school age. Then he’ll be more independent and the opportunities for him to interact with others will increase. You’ll have more time alone on a regular basis.
6. Set boundaries to protect your needs for Introversion and your child’s need to interact with you. Retreat to solitude before you reach your limit. You’ll avoid exploding and feeling guilty afterwards.
7. When my children were pre-schoolers one of the Penley House Rules was quiet time in for everyone in their rooms every day from 3-4 p.m. Of course, this is difficult with a 3 year old; but if you consistently work toward this routine it is likely to catch on. I would tell my son, “Mommy’s gas tank is empty and the only way to fill it up is by spending time alone in my room.” I’d make a game of it, saying, “I am going to turn you off for 30 minutes“ as I turned his nose playfully like I was turning the knob of a radio. Then I’d set a kitchen timer for 30 minutes and let him take it to his room. He would draw, read or watch TV while I spent time alone nearby. He was allowed to come get me when the buzzer went off. Although I am not a big TV fan, I figured it was better for my son to watch one more children’s TV show than to have me lose it with him because I had run out of energy. As your son grows, you can steadily increase his time to play by himself to an hour.

How can I help my husband accept my child’s personality?

Q. Dear Janet - My husband hasn't accepted how different our son is from us (same boy described above).  He spends a lot of his time with our son being frustrated and asking "WHY does he have to do ______ THAT way?  WHY can't he just _______?"  Being that our son is dramatically different than us AND only 3 years old, I believe my husband is just wasting his time demanding to know "why?" Can’t he see some of the differences as wonderful assets instead of a personal affront and irritation?  I get tired of hearing my husband have the same arguments over & over & over with our son. Any suggestions? – M.

A. Dear M – I am guessing that your husband is an Intuitive-Thinking type (NT), as well as, an Introvert like you. Asking “why” is typical of Thinking types and he sounds like he struggles to accept things as they are, a typical characteristic of Intuitive types. To understand and accept your child, he may need both a logical explanation and more hands-on experience. I would recommend that he read an introductory book on personality type. MotherStyles is a good start, as well as,

• Raising Your Spirited Child (by Mary Sheedy Kucinka),

• Nurture by Nature (by Paul Tieger and Barbara Baron-Tieger)

• TypeTalk (by Otto Kroeger and Janet Thuesen).

The theory of psychological type might give him the objective framework to understand and accept differences.

In addition, he needs to gain more real-life experience with your son and children your son’s age. It will give him a more objective perspective of your son and how other parents deal with children like him.  I would encourage him to volunteer at your son’s nursery or Sunday school or take your son to a pre-school class without you.

Because you both need time alone to recharge, consider giving each other a break on the weekends. Saturday mornings might be your time to jog, read, or finish a task without interruption, while your husband cares for your son. Saturday afternoons might be his time.   

We All Have Wisdom to Share

If you relate to a particular question or have dealt with a similar situation yourself, I invite your to share your experience by posting a comment below. Thank you. Janet Penley

Personality-Based Vacation Strategies

Summertime is vacation time. Nancy Silcox, a leader in the British Association of Psychological Type, wrote the following  article  on  vacations and  personality type.  (Remember when you read it that the Brits  say  holiday instead  of  vacation. ) With her permission, I am reprinting it here.

Types of Holidays by Nancy Silcox

The kinds of vacations different types prefer:
E - Active
I - Relaxing
S - Experience
N - Explore
T - Educate
F - Group
J - Package
P - Adventure

On our family holidays, we would drive around a new country each year and visit museums & famous sites, but initially as a strong ‘J’, I found it extremely stressful that we didn’t have each day planned and accommodation booked.  Later I discovered that our younger son always yearned for a holiday where we stayed in one place.   Now I understand that his strong preference for Introversion was constantly challenged.  What kind of holiday you choose or enjoy often reflects your preferences.  See if you identify with the types of holidays that follow:

E – Extraverts might like to travel every day on holiday and with lots of friends or family.  Their engagement with the outer world would perhaps lead them to touch the Mediterranean Sea or climb the Acropolis in Athens.  They prefer active holidays that involve doing something new or different, so they might choose a bus tour with the world to view out the window, punctuated by stops for cream tea, a museum tour or a steam train ride.  They often take lots of photos to share with everyone when they get back home, and love reminiscing about their adventures.

I – The ideal holiday for the Introvert is peaceful & restful—they would far rather lie in the sun and relax with a book or just daydream.  They might holiday on their own quite happily or with a close friend.  They often prefer one-centre holidays, staying in only one hotel and perhaps not even venturing out of the hotel surrounds.  Those who prefer Introversion often become experts in their field and even enjoy their work on holiday:  the artist who visits an art gallery, or the archaeologist who goes on a dig on their vacation.  A bird watching or plane-spotting holiday might suit the Introvert well, being generally solitary pursuits.

S – Sensing types might be interested in holidays where you can see, hear, touch & experience, like wine-tasting in the Hunter Valley in Australia, climbing the Eiffel Tower or Empire State Building for the view and be able to quote the statistics of height & history.  They often enjoy educational holidays visiting a different country each year, touring the Golden Hind, visiting Museums like the Pergamom, Checkpoint Charlie or Auswitz.  On the other hand they might return to the same place every year, especially SJs, enjoying the familiarity and repeating the things that they enjoyed before.

N – iNtuitives love to explore and dream of those ‘far away places with strange-sounding names’.  They may make a list of adventures and places to visit in their lifetime, such as the Great Wall of China, the Pyramids, Cruise the Nile, go caving or helicopter over Mount Etna, Scuba Dive the Great Barrier Reef and ride the Orient Express.  One-centre holidays and lying in the sun are not for those who enjoy intuition!  A haunted castle with a murder mystery dinner evening might appeal, and the Tate Modern Art Gallery over the Louvre.

T – Thinking types take holidays because they are supposed to, and go where they should—e.g. they might combine a visit to distant family with educational exploration related to or that will benefit their career, life or family; so perhaps attending an MBTI qualifying workshop or International APT Conference would classify as or combine with  a holiday.  Touring capitols to increase knowledge or visiting a nuclear reactor or dam with hydroelectric generators might appeal to them, or if a Christian, perhaps a tour of Israel.

F – A package holiday with a group or holiday with friends might appeal to those who prefer Feeling.  They might enjoy swimming with dolphins, petting the big cats, or plan a visit to ground zero in New York or a tour of Buchenwald World War II Prison Camp.  They might be drawn to work on a commune in Israel, pamper themselves with mudpack & aromatherapy massage on a health farm or even visit a spiritualist community or nudist camp. 

J- Judging types holidays are planned, budgeted, scheduled, and they would prefer to know where they would be every day--it’s Wednesday so this must be Rome!  They would have their accommodation booked and tour tickets purchased before they depart.  Package tours might appeal to them, as they can relax knowing that everything is organized and will run smoothly.

P –The perfect holiday for Perceiving individuals would often be full of action, fun, or adventurous activities such as bungee jumping (have you ever done this?), rock or mountain climbing, white water rafting in the Rockies, dog sledding in Alaska or mystery tours anywhere.  They might enjoy Disneyland even if they are not and do not have children, and they are more likely to book with last-minute.com

If you can afford it, a cruise suits all preferences:  You can relax in one place, yet you’re always moving with plenty to see and do (I/E); there is mystery, intrigue and romance, as well as history, geography & archaeology (N/S); there is a schedule of events, yet lots to do whenever you feel like it (J/P); always people to mix with and the perfect way to keep the whole family entertained (F/T)!

In addition please check out my article "Why Your Family's Dream Vacation May Not Be Fun for You" by clicking here.

I also invite you to post a comment below about your favorite vacation or worst nightmare.

Happy Vacations! Janet Penley

Is "Good Enough" Mothering Good Enough?

If "good enough" is about a mother embracing her humanness, letting go of having to be perfect, and being less self-critical, then I am all for it.

If it's about letting go of glittering images, striving, and viewing mothering as a competitive sport, then I say, it is more than good enough.

But if it's about not trying to give your children your best or not stretching yourself to love and care for them in the best way you can, then I'm confused by it.

I also think dividing mothers into two types, Alpha vs. Slacker, is disrespectful and divisive. Most mothers I know care deeply about their children and want to do their best. The media always seems to stir the pot in mothering, causing hard feelings and more problems, instead of focusing on solutions. It is also overly simplistic.

Truth be told, most mothers are part Alpha and part Slacker. For example, I might be relaxed about finger marks on the wall and my children stepping to the beat of a different drummer, but I'm hyper about them working toward goals and doing their best at school. Another mother might be a hyper-housekeeper but be relaxed about curfews or spending money. 

Personality type-wise, I believe that much of this Alpha mom vs. Slacker mom is a caricature of J mothering styles vs. P mothering styles.  And if you've read MotherStyles, you know that there is an upside and a downside to each approach. There are also definitely more than two styles of mothering.

Briefly, J moms (Alpha?) tend to be intentional and aim to do things right. They provide children with a role model for working toward goals and not wasting time. They are typically frustrated with kids who aren’t as goal oriented or hard-working. P moms (Slacker?) can be more laid back and accepting of children, but struggle to stay on task and on schedule. J types like to finish their work before they play, and therefore might procrastinate having fun. P types like to play as they work, and may procrastinate getting things done.  J types tend to be project-oriented; P types, process oriented.

One other difference is that J types tend to do their best, no matter what the task, making them appear intense and creating stress at times. They tend to think of themselves as hard workers, not slackers. (I’m a J type, so maybe that’s why I don’t automatically resonate with “good enough.”)

P types tend to pick and choose which task deserves their best and which warrants “good enough.”  Many P types think over-working and putting forth more effort than required is just as bad, or worse, than not doing enough.

In school, overachievers tend more often to be J types. Underachievers are more apt to be P types.  Our society tends to embrace overachievers, and shun underachievers, but that isn’t necessarily wise.  Underachieving may waste potential, but overachieving is not a sustainable way to live. 

The J-P dimension is the one that is most stretched by becoming a mother. J moms stretch to become more flexible and relaxed. P moms stretch to become more structured and organized. The main goal in parenting is to be J enough to keep your children safe and P enough to let them explore and become who they are meant to be. Children are not our projects to shape into a more perfect version of ourselves. Most parents can improve their parenting by turning down the volume on Judging and turning up the volume on Perceiving.

The most important thing is for us mothers to keep wrestling with these issues. By doing so, we develop our self-awareness muscles and our own wisdom.

To read Heidi's Chicago Tribune article, "The pursuit of perfection seems pointless", click here.  She’s included a few of my additional thoughts. (The Tribune may ask you to become a registered user, but it's free and only takes a moment.)

To read a USA Today article on the same topic, "Slacker Moms urge other mothers to chill" click here.

Both articles mention books and blogs you might want to check out.

In case you missed it, read my June 13 post below to find out what is the biggest four-letter word in mothering: L-A-Z-Y, H-E-L-P, or S-E-L-F?

I invite you to post a comment about what I’ve said, whether you think “good enough” mothering is good enough, or what you think about Alpha vs. Slacker moms.

Thanks, Janet Penley

The Biggest Mothering Taboo Poll Results

What is the biggest 4-letter word for mothers? According to my recent poll, it's L-A-Z-Y.

• 40% of mothers feel like they must be constantly busy in order to feel OK about themselves.  It seems like most of us are measuring our self-worth by how productive we are. I think this may be particularly true for J moms.  Personally, I think of myself as a "hard worker" and have to remind myself to allow recovery time between tasks.

Tip: Put a little "white space" between the end of one activity and the beginning of another, just like when you start a new paragraph on the computer. Your life will feel lighter and less burdensome.

• 36%  of mothers  voted  for H-E-L-P, "I'd rather do it all myself rather than risk feeling incompetent, inadequate or needy." Competence is a big issue for Thinking moms, and "doing it right" motivates J moms.

Tip: Try asking for help once a day, whether you need it or not. Observe the ramifications. You might be pleasantly surprised at the shift it produces in you and those around you.

• 24% said S-E-L-F. Good mothers are selfless, so these mothers avoid anything that might seem self-indulgent or  selfish. I hypothesize that a lot of Feeling moms voted  for this one. They are prone to over-giving.

Tip: Take time for self-care; it's selfish not to.  Treat yourself as if you mattered, because you do.

Thank you, mothers, for taking the time to vote. I'll be posting other questions on this blog over the coming months. I hope you will participate again. It's fun to discover what we all think.
Janet Penley

8 Ways to Energize Yourself

Energy is our most precious resource. When we are full of energy, we do our best mothering. It’s when we’re out of gas that we say or do the things we regret later.

One of the most practical day-to-day applications of personality type is helping you recharge and stay energized. While we all need food, sleep, and exercise, different people are energized by different experiences. In fact, what is reviving to one person can be like kryptonite to another.

For example, after writing, editing, and launching MotherStyles, and moving from Chicago to Texas at the same time, I was depleted from managing hundreds of details (Sensing) and interacting with lots of new people (Extraversion).

The way I rekindled my energy (I'm an INFJ) was by reading books and taking classes - dream tending workshops,  a writing retreat, and Spanish classes. Learning something new was like play to me and fed my Intuition. Soon I was feeling alive and happy again. Many Intuitive moms say taking a class or attending a talk is one way they find the energy for the nitty-gritty of child rearing.

Below are a few ways to recharge that you may not have thought of before. I’ve organized them by the eight preferences of the Myers-Briggs® personality framework. Browse the list to see what might hit the spot for you right now. The suggestions for your personality type may seem most appealing.  However, feel free to try a few ideas from your opposite type if they seem tempting.

You can also download or print off a personal energy plan customized for your personality type by clicking here.

• Extraverted types are energized by adult conversation, action & variety. Go out to lunch with friends; join an organization or a team. Call someone to chat, listen to talk radio, man the PTA booth at the Farmers Market, invite another family for pizza.

• Introverted types are energized by quiet and time alone. Give yourself at least 30-60 minutes of solitude each day. Journal, take a walk, look out the window, sip tea, stare into space, meditate, nap, read a book, write a letter, do nothing. 

• Sensing types need to feed their five senses with rich, new stimulation. Go to a museum, plant a garden; take a walk in the woods or ski a snow-covered mountain. Spend a day at the mall. Browse catalogues and magazines.   

• Intuitive types feed on new ideas, perspectives, and dreams.Take a class, read a novel, watch a fantasy movie, talk to an interesting person, learn something new. Give yourself time to plan, imagine, and entertain possibilities. 

• Thinking types thrive on objective validation of their competence – promotions, raises, good grades and awards. Run for PTA president, spearhead a fund-raising event, manage the church budget, and consider employment or volunteer leadership positions.

• Feeling types need a break from others’ needs. Get a babysitter, shut the door or plan a weekend get-away. Tune into your own needs and feelings without the distraction of caring for or pleasing others. Discover ways to please yourself.

• Judging types need a place or project to organize, control, and complete. Make a list, organize your desk, set a room in order, finish a to-do, work a needlepoint project. Consider volunteer and paid positions that provide & require structure and control.

• Perceiving types need freedom from a tight schedule. Give yourself long blocks of unscheduled hangout time. Break your routine once in awhile; go on an adventure, play hooky, dance on the table.

Please tell me what you do to energize by posting a comment below. Remember to include your type if you know it. 

Here’s to you feeling happier and more alive in mothering!  Janet Penley