MotherStyles Discussion Blog

Mother-in-Law Do's and Don'ts

Something momentous happened in my life recently. A month ago, my first born and only son got married. As a result, and just as significant, I became a mother-in-law.

After raising my two kids into young adulthood, I have long thought of myself as a veteran mom. Now I've stepped into a whole new phase of mothering and feel like a rank beginner. That's why I need your help.

In America, we carry a negative stereotype of mother-in-laws. They (oops, I mean we!) are typically considered meddling and intrusive, as well as critical and complaining. I don't want to inadvertently fall into that trap.

Type knowledge helps. Being an FJ type (Feeling - Judging), I already know that giving my children the physical and psychological space they need to stand on their own two feet is not something that comes naturally to me. My type of mother wants to stay involved and feel connected. Knowing my type helps me to be more intentional about backing off.

However, I'm interested in what advice you younger daughters-in-laws would give to a mother-in-law just starting out.

What do you most appreciate about your own mother-in-law? What most bothers you? What do you wish she'd do more of? Less of? How would you describe the ideal mother-in-law? Now is your chance to draw from your own experience and help me develop a list of Mother-in-Law Do's and Don'ts.

Send your tips and stories to me at JPMoms@aol.com, preferably by May 1st. I will compile a summary (no real names will be used to protect your privacy) and send them to everyone in a future email. Also, if you know your type, please include it. I have a feeling different types have different needs and are irked by different issues.

Likewise, if there are any experienced mother-in-laws out there, I'm interested in what you have to say, too. Send me your thoughts at JPMoms@aol.com and I'll be sure to add them in.

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I appreciate it.

Janet Penley

PS In the meantime, read below an excerpt from MotherStyles entitled, "When Your Mother-in-Law is Not Your Type."

When Your Mother-In-Law Isn’t Your Type

Katie, an ESTJ, explains how she used type knowledge to improve her relationship with her mother-in-law, an ENFP:

I consider my mother-in-law goofy; she thinks I’m rigid. For example, she invites us over for Sunday dinner. I tell her ahead of time the baby goes to bed at 8 p.m. To me that means the dinner needs to be served no later than 6 to give us time to eat and get back home on time. But at 7, we’re still waiting for the food.  I think, How inconsiderate! If I complain, she and my husband (also an ENFP) roll their eyes at me and ask, ‘Can’t the baby go to bed a little later just for tonight?’ But why should the baby be inconvenienced because of her poor planning?

She offered to baby-sit the children a few hours a week. I told her I’d like it if she came every Tuesday morning at 9:30 a.m. But at 9:45, I’d be looking at my clock wondering where she was. By the time she came, I’d be so angry, I couldn't enjoy my time away. So I told her not to come anymore. That probably hurt her feelings. Then she started calling me at unexpected times to say her next two hours were free, should she come over and give me a break? I’d be in the middle of something and couldn't just up and leave. Unless I can plan for it, babysitting is no help at all.

Then I learned about personality type and mothering style. Immediately, I understood she meant well, but our differences were getting in the way of our relationship. I asked her to read both her profile (she’s a pastor and already knew her type from work), and mine; then we discussed our different styles. I stopped expecting her to be like me and vice versa.

Now if something comes up and I need help at the last minute, I know to call her. When I had to take my older child for stitches, she came right away to watch the baby. She now knows how important my rules are to me and makes a point of following them with the children--no candy before dinner and only an hour of TV.  I really appreciate it. When we go to her house for dinner, we take two cars. That way, if dinner ends up being too late, I can politely leave with the baby and ask my husband to bring home the leftovers. We've also rescheduled our Sunday family dinners to Friday. It’s easier for me to be flexible with the children’s bedtimes knowing they don’t have to get off to school the next morning.”

MotherStyles Goes International

Two psychologists from Hong Kong have reviewed MotherStyles on Metapsychology Online Reviews. MotherStyles is to be published in both Chinese and Korean.

Mom Likes to Please, Daughter Likes to Argue

This month's Q and A is about parent-child power struggles.   A pleasing, conflict-avoiding mom wonders how best to parent her strong-willed, argumentative daughter. She's stumped because her child's personality is so unlike hers. Her question and my answer appears below.

I could use your help, though. Were you considered bossy or argumentative as a child? If so, you are an expert in how best to parent a child of your type. Tell us what you wish your parents would have done in a situation like this. I invite you to share your tips and experience by posting a comment on the MotherStyles Discussion Blog below. Or email me your thoughts at JPMoms@aol.com.

Q. Hello! I have a seven year old daughter who is an absolute joy!  She is smart, sweet, and so fun.  However, she has a strong personality, loves conflict, can be bossy, even mean at times. Nor does she have a lot of need for snuggles or kisses.

I am her mother and I am a nurturer. Oddly enough, I don't ever remember wanting to engage in power struggles with my parents. I just wanted to please them, everyone else, and frankly, I am still that way.  I try to be understanding, but am so upset when there is conflict.  I don't always know how to connect with her.  What are your suggestions when we are so different?

p.s.  I just ordered your book and hope to find more info. in there!

A. I am going to guess that you are a Feeling type and your daughter is a Thinking type. Feeling types are typically people-pleasers who strive for harmony in their relationships and focus on meeting the needs of others. Thinking types put a higher priority on fairness, respect, competency and therefore can tolerate more conflict in relationships in service of those  priorities.

I also guess your daughter is a Judging type. Judging children are often described as bossy. They need rules and structure to feel secure, aim to do things the "right way," and want everyone to honor these limits as well.

The fact that you regard your daughter as a strong personality gives me a clue that she might be an Extraverted type as well. Extraverted types wear their strongest side outward; Introverted types direct it inward.

In sum, I am guessing your daughter's type to be ESTJ or ENTJ.  Both of those types are natural leaders and organizers. They are decisive, like to take charge and push to accomplish logical outcomes. They often show confidence and assertiveness early on. They are well-represented among executives, administrators and managers, and the jobs that suit them best are often well-paid.

The troublesome behaviors you have identified - bossy, argumentative, love of conflict, and less need for physical connection - are all signs of an ESTJ/ENTJ type under construction. Your daughter is in the process of developing her strengths. It might not look very pretty now, but you wait and see. When she is an adult you will be very proud of who she turns out to be.

In the meantime, remember, you have the power. You are bigger, older, more experienced, and more mature. You have the power to protect and support. You also have the power to shame, belittle, neglect. I don’t know a child of any age that has not been powerfully influenced by their parents. Yet power is not the equivalent of control. In fact, the more powerful you feel, the less need you may have for control.

Power-struggles are based on the idea that there is one “right” way. Either your way is right, and your daughter should shape up; or your daughter’s way is right and you should back down. It’s like a see saw. If one person is up, the other is down. The framework of personality type can get you off the see saw. It lets you see the rightness of different ways. If you can appreciate that each of your approaches to life have merit, then you can begin to problem-solve how to live together in a harmonious and respectful way.

Now, let's get specific. What is a nurturing mom like you to do to avoid power struggles and help your daughter become the best she can be.  Here are a few ideas to consider:

1. Enlist your child in problem-solving. Identify what is the problem and then ask for her ideas on how to solve it. For example, “Every time I ask you to clear off the dinner dishes, you start to argue about it. How can we change the situation to better meet both our objectives?” Thinking-Judging children love problem solving, and are more apt to follow the rules if they are the one’s who made them.
2. Tell her the reasons why. Thinking children need to know the logic behind rules, limits, and requests. When talking to Thinking types: 1. Stay cool and calm. 2. Be brief. 3. Be direct. 4. Be logical. Example: “I want you to load the dishwasher. I’m ready to make dinner and I need space to work."
3. Try not to take her confrontations or lack of affection personally. They are the flipside of her developing logic and objectivity. Allow opportunity for complaining and “conversational criticism.” Try not to interpret comments as criticisms, or criticisms as personal attacks.
4. Give her feedback about feelings. You can help your daughter develop by letting her know the emotional impact her words and actions have on others. Treat other people’s feelings as facts that she needs to weigh in her decision-making.  Instead of thinking of her as mean, think of her as learning.
5. Lower your expectations for harmony. Many Feeling types strive for 100% harmony in family relationships. To achieve this, they say yes when they feel like saying no, resolve conflicts before the issues have been adequately aired and expect others to do the same. Your Thinking daughter can help you develop your ability to stand your ground and realize that you can say no, fight, and still be loved.
6. Be aware of gender expectations. As a Feeling type, you tend to fit traditional female gender expectations better than your Thinking daughter. At times, you may expect her to be more like you and act more girly. But this is not who she is. She needs you to be sensitive to her being a Thinking female. You can help her form a feminine identity that honors her nature as well as the expectations others will place on her.
7. Value your child for her strengths. ESTJs and ENTJs do best when their capabilities and competencies are recognized and appreciated.

In this month of Thanksgiving, I am thankful for all you mothers. You take good care of our little ones and help make the world a better place.  Thank you, Janet Penley

Orderly Mom Asks How to Keep a Meandering Child on Task

Q. Dear Janet -- I am an INFJ and my son is an ENFP (I think - he's only 7). I am a very orderly and organized person. Planning and completion come naturally to me. My son, on the other had, is a moving target. If he is working with one thing and something more interesting catches his attention, he'll literally drop what he's doing and move on to the new thing. If you listen to his conversations, his thoughts are quite divergent. While I admire his ability to think up new and wonderful things - it makes bedtime and homework time a chore.

If I ask him to do a task - he'll do it. But I have to realize that for him to get from point A to point F; he will first visit points B, C, D and E. He'll get there eventually; I just have to be willing to wait!! 

Homework that should take 10 minutes, takes 40 because he shares every stray thought that flits through his mind while he works. I don't think he minds spending that much time on homework because he is enjoying the conversation but the dallying can get to me.

I'm trying to learn from him that it's the journey and not the destination but sometimes I yearn for the express train!!

I think what I'm describing is the J/P difference and I don't want to force him to do it my way but I feel there must be a balance between nurturing his natural curiosity and his developing at least a modicum of organizations and stick-to-itiveness. I think you need both to survive in the world but it's hard for me to walk the mid ground.
Any suggestions?   Sonia

A. Dear Sonia -- Please know that as a fellow INFJ Mom with an ESTP son your story is familiar to me. If fact, I think most J moms struggle with the same issue - how to raise a P child in a J world (without losing their minds or negating their child's natural gifts). It is no easy task to walk the middle ground. It takes energy and patience, and often we veer too far one way or the other. Give yourself a pat on the back for your understanding and savvy to date. 

Next, let me stress this: type develops over time. We cannot expect a 7-year-old to be as developed as a 27-year-old, or hold them to the same standards.

P children learn through trial and error how to provide the right amount and type of structure they need to be effective and meet their own expectations in life. Sometimes it isn't easy for a parent to watch them stumble around as they learn that balance.

My own P children are now adults. I see them make lists, book travel plans months in advance, and do laundry on a regular basis. All things they never did growing up. 

Now let's get specific. You say homework time and bed times are the most challenging. Here are a few ideas to consider that may make it easier:

1. Gear Up. Have you noticed that you have more patience and tolerance when you feel happy and energized? In order for a J mom like you to cope with a P child, you’ll have to be vigilant about maintaining your personality energy. This means being preemptive and being kind to the letters of your type. Knowing that homework and bedtime is going to be stressful there are specific ways you can gear up so you can do your best parenting. For example, I’s need solitude. What about taking 30 minutes to yourself to read a book or meditate before you start to put your son to bed? You’ll be fresher and not so desperate for him to go to sleep on time. Ns need fantasy and big ideas; why not read a juicy novel while your son sits beside you doing his homework? Or sit him down at the kitchen table for homework, while you tidy up the dinner dishes (feeding your need for order).
2. Get Real. Instead of thinking his homework should take 10 minutes, it’s time to accept that it is more likely going to take 40. And bedtime is going to take an hour. Adjust your schedule and your expectations accordingly. Then, instead of feeling like he is going toooo slow, he’ll be right on schedule.
3. Factor in Free Time. Js like to finish their work before they play, but P kids need some free time after school to recover from a day of classroom structure and limits before doing their homework. Your son might focus better if homework is postponed until after dinner. And be careful not to over schedule your P child with after school programs.
4. Back Off. If your homework style and his style clash, maybe you need to become less involved. It might be better for your relationship if you let him take more responsibility for his work, even if it means he falls short of your standards. Letting a P child miss a deadline or fail on a project early on might be the best way to help them find their own way of succeeding.
5. Make a Game of It. On the days when your patience is running low, think about making homework and bedtime into a game. Set the timer for 15 minutes. Tell him if he can beat the clock, he’ll win a prize. It doesn’t have to be anything big or expensive. In fact, sometimes the biggest reward for P kids is freedom. Or a break from routine: Eating popcorn for one supper. Watching an extra half hour of TV.  Staying up a little later on Friday night. Ask him for rewards that might suit his fancy and I’m sure you’ll get lots of ideas.
6. Motivate P children through their other preferences. Feeling children, like your son, are motivated by the relationship. Tell your FP son how speeding up his homework or bedtime would make you happy, help you out, or let you be together. Maybe your son would also respond to some sort of color chart. Record and graph the time he takes each night for bedtime. Use stickers and praise to reward him on the nights bedtime is smooth and quick.
7. Mix it up. Realize that with P kids nothing works for long. They like variety. You may have to brainstorm dozens of different approaches to help your son develop his J side over the next 15 years. Remember, growing up (for him and for you) is a gradual process.

We All Have Wisdom to Share

Do you have tips for making homework and bed time easier? Solutions that have worked for you and your child? I invite your to share your experience by posting a comment below.

In addition please refer to MotherStyles for more practical tips:

• Chapter 5 - Lifestyles of the Planned and Flexible
• Chapter 10 - Playing to Your Child's Strengths
• Chapter 11 - Using Type to Make Sense of Parent-Children Interactions

To purchase MotherStyles at a 32% discount on Amazon.com click here.
Thank you. Janet Penley

Help! My Extraverted Child Wears Me Out!

Q. Dear Janet -- Our 3 yr old is so energetic and social. Both my husband and I are far more reserved. My son’s intensity just drains us  - so much motion, chatter, singing, etc. we have a hard time not yelling at him at night to "just stop!"  Stop physically moving, stop singing, stop asking so many questions, stop and let me do a chore by myself, etc. I am exhausted trying to meet his needs for interaction and my need for time alone. Can you help? – M.

A. Dear M -- Thanks for your question. First off, please know that you are not the only mother to express this type of frustration over an active, talkative little one. I am an Introverted type and when my Extraverted son was your son's age, I felt just like you. It is draining for an Introverted mother to interact constantly with a very Extraverted child. Many Introverted mothers say their Extraverted child is draining the life out of them.

Extraverted types turn outward to the world around them for energy. Introverts turn inward to recharge. In the early years, for the most part, you are your child’s world. So he is constantly engaging you for stimulation. However, with each interaction, you lose energy. It’s easy to understand your frustration and see how it might even turn into resentment unless you find a solution.

However, please keep in mind your child has no idea he is pushing you beyond your limits. Only you know that. Therefore you must take action to keep your relationship loving. The most important thing is to find ways to meet your young child’s need for external stimulation that don’t involve you and to make sure you have 30-60 minutes of uninterrupted solitude to yourself each day.

Here are seven ideas for how to make that happen:

1. Hire a pre-teen neighbor child as a mother’s helper for 60-90 minutes each afternoon. Usually, their hourly fee is nominal. She can play with your child in the backyard or living room while you retreat to your bedroom for a nap or some serious staring at the ceiling.
2. Enlist the help of grandparents and aunts. Often they know how demanding a pre-schooler can be and will be glad to help. Try to arrange their taking your son on an outing to the park or the mall for a couple of hours once or twice a week while you enjoy the peace of the house to yourself.
3. Trade babysitting with a friend or neighbor. Find another mother with a similar age child and offer to watch her child one morning a week if she’ll reciprocate by taking your child another morning. You’ll get some time to yourself, and on the days when you’re the caregiver, your son will have a playmate to interact with instead of just you. This also works well when you alternate exchanging kids on Saturday nights. It’s a way you can spend regular time with your spouse.
4. Sign your son up for Gymboree-type classes and playgroups where you can sit on the sidelines and let another adult be in charge.
5. Hire a mature caregiver for a few hours every week. This is the most expensive option, but it is well worth it. Consider it a short term expense just until your son becomes school age. Then he’ll be more independent and the opportunities for him to interact with others will increase. You’ll have more time alone on a regular basis.
6. Set boundaries to protect your needs for Introversion and your child’s need to interact with you. Retreat to solitude before you reach your limit. You’ll avoid exploding and feeling guilty afterwards.
7. When my children were pre-schoolers one of the Penley House Rules was quiet time in for everyone in their rooms every day from 3-4 p.m. Of course, this is difficult with a 3 year old; but if you consistently work toward this routine it is likely to catch on. I would tell my son, “Mommy’s gas tank is empty and the only way to fill it up is by spending time alone in my room.” I’d make a game of it, saying, “I am going to turn you off for 30 minutes“ as I turned his nose playfully like I was turning the knob of a radio. Then I’d set a kitchen timer for 30 minutes and let him take it to his room. He would draw, read or watch TV while I spent time alone nearby. He was allowed to come get me when the buzzer went off. Although I am not a big TV fan, I figured it was better for my son to watch one more children’s TV show than to have me lose it with him because I had run out of energy. As your son grows, you can steadily increase his time to play by himself to an hour.

How can I help my husband accept my child’s personality?

Q. Dear Janet - My husband hasn't accepted how different our son is from us (same boy described above).  He spends a lot of his time with our son being frustrated and asking "WHY does he have to do ______ THAT way?  WHY can't he just _______?"  Being that our son is dramatically different than us AND only 3 years old, I believe my husband is just wasting his time demanding to know "why?" Can’t he see some of the differences as wonderful assets instead of a personal affront and irritation?  I get tired of hearing my husband have the same arguments over & over & over with our son. Any suggestions? – M.

A. Dear M – I am guessing that your husband is an Intuitive-Thinking type (NT), as well as, an Introvert like you. Asking “why” is typical of Thinking types and he sounds like he struggles to accept things as they are, a typical characteristic of Intuitive types. To understand and accept your child, he may need both a logical explanation and more hands-on experience. I would recommend that he read an introductory book on personality type. MotherStyles is a good start, as well as,

• Raising Your Spirited Child (by Mary Sheedy Kucinka),

• Nurture by Nature (by Paul Tieger and Barbara Baron-Tieger)

• TypeTalk (by Otto Kroeger and Janet Thuesen).

The theory of psychological type might give him the objective framework to understand and accept differences.

In addition, he needs to gain more real-life experience with your son and children your son’s age. It will give him a more objective perspective of your son and how other parents deal with children like him.  I would encourage him to volunteer at your son’s nursery or Sunday school or take your son to a pre-school class without you.

Because you both need time alone to recharge, consider giving each other a break on the weekends. Saturday mornings might be your time to jog, read, or finish a task without interruption, while your husband cares for your son. Saturday afternoons might be his time.   

We All Have Wisdom to Share

If you relate to a particular question or have dealt with a similar situation yourself, I invite your to share your experience by posting a comment below. Thank you. Janet Penley