MotherStyles Discussion Blog

My Top Ten List of What Not to Do in 2008

Happy New Year!

According to the University of Washington, 67% of us make new year's resolutions. Typically, they are exercise more, lose weight, and get organized. Although I can relate to all of those goals, this year, I decided instead to make a list of what I was NOT going to do in 2008. I am passing my list along to you to increase my accountability, and also in the hope that you may get some ideas for your own life. I think many moms, J types and INFJ types especially, will be able to relate. I've also included some other fun tidbits at the end to help you start your year with good intentions -- and a smile.

PS I invite you to post a comment below about your own intentions for 2008.

My Top Ten List of What Not to Do in 2008

1. Say "I'm Exhausted." I'm tired of feeling tired. I figure that every time I say "I'm exhausted" it works like an affirmation to keep me stuck in over-doing. So I'm both eliminating those words and changing an approach to life that requires me to say it.  Instead I'll say, "It's time to take a break."
2. Say "I have to." I'm freeing myself from being slavish about to-dos. I never "have to" do anything; there is always a choice. From now on, I'll say "I want to" or "I need to" and if I can't say either of those honestly, then I'm not doing it.
3. Hurry. I've spent too much time behind the wheel of a car, tense and stressed out, rushing to get to an appointment on time. My new mantra is "It's OK to be late in 2008." It even rhymes.
4. Do one more thing. This always gets me into trouble. I finish a task, feel great, and then, instead of giving myself a few minutes to celebrate completion and regroup, I plunge right into the next task to get more done. (Often why I'm rushing to an appointment, see #3, and feeling "you know what," see #1.)
5. Deprive Myself of What I Need to Feel Great. Last night at 3:30 a.m. I woke up feeling a little thirsty. Instead of getting out of bed for some water, I told myself I'd be OK without it; after all I'd be getting up in a few hours. Then I had the "aha!" This is a subtle form of self-deprivation, and I'll not have it any longer. I got up and gave myself a drink of water. It tasted really good.
6. Think or Say Disrespectful Things About Myself. Hey, inner critic, I'm a grown-up woman who has done her best to live well and love fully; time to lay off with the fault-finding already.
7. Spend Long Hours at the Computer. I love the Internet (especially www.jigzone.com), but it's really making my neck and shoulders sore. Time for me to unplug, go outside, and play in the fresh air and sunshine.
8. Over Schedule. I can do it, but do I want to do it? Maximizing what I do each day minimizes my pleasure in living. See #1.
9. Judge Others. I've made lots of progress here, but it bears a reminder - each of us are divine expressions of life and doing the best we can. We deserve  blessings not judgements.
10. Try to Control What Is Not Under My Control. Mostly this is about trying to control what other people do: my kids, my husband, my next-door neighbor, my country's leaders. Best to focus on trying to control myself (see #1-9). 

Start the Year with a Smile

Smile Meditation. A great book to read if you haven't already is Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. In it, a Balinese medicine man tells how to increase the good energy in your life by doing a simple smile meditation. 

"To meditate, only you must smile. Smile with face, smile with mind, and good energy will come to you and clean away dirty energy. Even smile in your liver. Practice tonight. Not to hurry, not to try too hard. Too serious, you make you sick. You can call the good energy to you with a smile."

I've been doing a smile meditation for 1-5 minutes each day. I sit, I close my eyes, I smile. I say to myself, I'm smiling because and fill in the blank with what makes me smile in my life, I try to imagine every part of my body smiling. Try it, and see if your own happiness increases.

PUKE. Yes, that's right. One ISTJ mother told me she'd reduced her new year's resolutions to one acronym - PUKE: patience, understanding, kindness, and enthusiasm.

The Way of the Turtle.  Another mother passed on this little ditty to help remind us all to slow down in 2008:

"I'm in a hurry to get things done
I rush and rush
'Til life's no fun."

My Wish

Heidi Stevens, Chicago Tribune staff reporter, asked me for my end-of-year wish to include in her December 23rd Parent-to-Parent column. Here's what I told her:

I wish that supporting our country's mothers would be considered as patriotic as supporting our troops.  Every day about 35 million mothers dutifully tend to the needs of our next generation. For their efforts, they earn no pay and little recognition. Yet without their service and dedication, our society would scarcely be worth defending.

Time to stand up and cheer for all you do!

Janet Penley, author of  MotherStyles- Using Personality Type to Discover Your Parenting Strengths by Janet P. Penley with Diane Eble

 

The Biggest Mothering Taboo Poll Results

What is the biggest 4-letter word for mothers? According to my recent poll, it's L-A-Z-Y.

• 40% of mothers feel like they must be constantly busy in order to feel OK about themselves.  It seems like most of us are measuring our self-worth by how productive we are. I think this may be particularly true for J moms.  Personally, I think of myself as a "hard worker" and have to remind myself to allow recovery time between tasks.

Tip: Put a little "white space" between the end of one activity and the beginning of another, just like when you start a new paragraph on the computer. Your life will feel lighter and less burdensome.

• 36%  of mothers  voted  for H-E-L-P, "I'd rather do it all myself rather than risk feeling incompetent, inadequate or needy." Competence is a big issue for Thinking moms, and "doing it right" motivates J moms.

Tip: Try asking for help once a day, whether you need it or not. Observe the ramifications. You might be pleasantly surprised at the shift it produces in you and those around you.

• 24% said S-E-L-F. Good mothers are selfless, so these mothers avoid anything that might seem self-indulgent or  selfish. I hypothesize that a lot of Feeling moms voted  for this one. They are prone to over-giving.

Tip: Take time for self-care; it's selfish not to.  Treat yourself as if you mattered, because you do.

Thank you, mothers, for taking the time to vote. I'll be posting other questions on this blog over the coming months. I hope you will participate again. It's fun to discover what we all think.
Janet Penley

8 Ways to Energize Yourself

Energy is our most precious resource. When we are full of energy, we do our best mothering. It’s when we’re out of gas that we say or do the things we regret later.

One of the most practical day-to-day applications of personality type is helping you recharge and stay energized. While we all need food, sleep, and exercise, different people are energized by different experiences. In fact, what is reviving to one person can be like kryptonite to another.

For example, after writing, editing, and launching MotherStyles, and moving from Chicago to Texas at the same time, I was depleted from managing hundreds of details (Sensing) and interacting with lots of new people (Extraversion).

The way I rekindled my energy (I'm an INFJ) was by reading books and taking classes - dream tending workshops,  a writing retreat, and Spanish classes. Learning something new was like play to me and fed my Intuition. Soon I was feeling alive and happy again. Many Intuitive moms say taking a class or attending a talk is one way they find the energy for the nitty-gritty of child rearing.

Below are a few ways to recharge that you may not have thought of before. I’ve organized them by the eight preferences of the Myers-Briggs® personality framework. Browse the list to see what might hit the spot for you right now. The suggestions for your personality type may seem most appealing.  However, feel free to try a few ideas from your opposite type if they seem tempting.

You can also download or print off a personal energy plan customized for your personality type by clicking here.

• Extraverted types are energized by adult conversation, action & variety. Go out to lunch with friends; join an organization or a team. Call someone to chat, listen to talk radio, man the PTA booth at the Farmers Market, invite another family for pizza.

• Introverted types are energized by quiet and time alone. Give yourself at least 30-60 minutes of solitude each day. Journal, take a walk, look out the window, sip tea, stare into space, meditate, nap, read a book, write a letter, do nothing. 

• Sensing types need to feed their five senses with rich, new stimulation. Go to a museum, plant a garden; take a walk in the woods or ski a snow-covered mountain. Spend a day at the mall. Browse catalogues and magazines.   

• Intuitive types feed on new ideas, perspectives, and dreams.Take a class, read a novel, watch a fantasy movie, talk to an interesting person, learn something new. Give yourself time to plan, imagine, and entertain possibilities. 

• Thinking types thrive on objective validation of their competence – promotions, raises, good grades and awards. Run for PTA president, spearhead a fund-raising event, manage the church budget, and consider employment or volunteer leadership positions.

• Feeling types need a break from others’ needs. Get a babysitter, shut the door or plan a weekend get-away. Tune into your own needs and feelings without the distraction of caring for or pleasing others. Discover ways to please yourself.

• Judging types need a place or project to organize, control, and complete. Make a list, organize your desk, set a room in order, finish a to-do, work a needlepoint project. Consider volunteer and paid positions that provide & require structure and control.

• Perceiving types need freedom from a tight schedule. Give yourself long blocks of unscheduled hangout time. Break your routine once in awhile; go on an adventure, play hooky, dance on the table.

Please tell me what you do to energize by posting a comment below. Remember to include your type if you know it. 

Here’s to you feeling happier and more alive in mothering!  Janet Penley